Collegestuck
by Priest of Life
Summary: Karkat is accepted to college, but this one is different. It is all the way out in paradox space. Soon after he is accepted, he and his friends learn that they are more important than they previously thought. Rated T for language and violence later on in the fiction and also because it's Homestuck.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note: I started this as a not-so-little continuation of Homestuck. Everything that takes place happens after the trolls' and humans' sessions. Also, Karkat isn't yelling. I just typed their dialogue as they use it in the actual comic as best as I could. I will try to make regular updates. Enjoy.**

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Ch.1: Be the applicant

"So, you wish to attend this fine university?" asks the chancellor.

"THAT IS CORRECT."

"Why?"

"I HAVE NOWHERE ELSE TO GO FOR A PROPER EDUCATION."

"You do realize what the qualifications are to attend here, right, Mr. Vantas?

"I'VE HEARD A FEW OF THEM." Karkat is nervous. He can barely even look at the chancellor. In reality, the only reason he even applied here was because Gamzee wouldn't shut up about it. "I DON'T KNOW WHAT ALL OF THEM ARE, THOUGH."

The chancellor knows Karkat knows he barely has a chance of being accepted. "The minimum requirements are listed in the hallway, but since this interview has already started, I'll say them anyway."

"OKAY…"

"The minimum for attending Tier University are: You must have played a session of the game, that session must have been successful, the repopulation of your species has begun, and it is preferred that you have reached at least the first god tier."

"OH…" Even though Karkat doesn't really want to come here, it's better than going back to his old college, and most of his friends go here so he might as well try to get in. He becomes disappointed to find out he has a snowflake's chance in hell of being accepted. In his eyes, his session was anything but successful. Him being the leader of it didn't help that thought, or his chances, at all. Plus, the troll population is still down to just the survivors of his session, the universe they created was destroyed by Jack, and he was too afraid of dying to become a fully realized knight of blood. He thinks about getting up and leaving the interview right now to save himself the embarrassment.

"Now, before we begin your session background review, I want to know more about why you're here today. Where did you originally attend college and in what universe?"

"PRINCETON UNIVERSITY IN THE HUMANS' UNIVERSE."

"Okay," the chancellor thought that it was weird that someone would throw away that type of education to risk unacceptance into this college. "Why did you leave?"

"I WAS EXPELLED…" Karkat knows he just screwed it all up, just like always. "THAT WAS PROBABLY THE WRONG THING TO SAY, WASN'T IT?"

"I wouldn't necessarily say 'the wrong thing', but it wasn't very good. Do I even want to know why you got expelled?"

"I BEAT THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF ONE OF MY DORM MATES." _Damn it, Vantas, _he thought. _Shut up before you blow your chances completely. _He doesn't like the general direction in which this interview is proceeding. Neither did the chancellor.

"Okay…" the chancellor struggles with trying to make a quick decision whether to ask why or to just decline his application. "…Why did you do that?" He asks the question with extreme caution.

"HE HARASSED ME. HE STARED AT ME AND LAUGHED BECAUSE I'M NOT HUMAN AND MA GRAY AND HAVE HORNS. I FINALLY SNAPPED WHEN HE GOT HALF THE STUDENT POPULATION IN ON IT TOO."

The chancellor is relieved that it wasn't all Karkat's fault. This is the first applicant in a long time that he actually likes. "Let's just move on to the session review."

Karkat sits there as the chancellor opens a file on his computer. He is doing all that he can to keep from absconding. He isn't at all prepared for what is about to happen.

"Okay. It shows here that you were the leader of your session. Impressive."

Karkat looks up, confused. Did he just hear "impressive"?

"New universe was created successfully. Also impressive."

Now Karkat knows he's just hearing things.

"Working with another alien race to aid them in redeeming their session…Very impressive."

All that is left is for the alarm to go off to wake him up from this dream.

"Session was…destroyed…"

That would be the alarm.

"…this can't be right." The chancellor opens the document attached to see what went wrong. "The Trollian Session was destroyed by an outside force originating from a nearby session. The newly created universe was destroyed along with it…"

What. The. Fuck. Now the chancellor himself is even wondering what was in those brownies he ate earlier. "This can't be right…"

"ACTUALLY…IT IS," Karkat explained. "IT WAS A VERSION OF JACK NOIRE THAT WENT HAYWIRE. HE CAME FROM A RIFT BETWEEN US AND THE SESSION WE WERE HELPING. THE LAST KERNELSPRITE WAS PROTOTYPED WITH A FIRST GUARDIAN BY ACCIDENT—ACTUALLY THE GUARDIAN PROTOTYPED ITSELF TO SAVE ITS OWNER."

"How is that possible?"

"I DON'T KNOW. HE DESTROYED ALL BUT ONE METEOR, WHICH WE HID ON AND EVENTUALLY USED TO ESCAPE."

"Oh…"

"IRONICALLY ENOUGH, THE UNIVERSE THAT WAS DESTROYED WAS THE ONE THAT HOSTED THE SESSION WE WERE HELPING." _Shut! Up! Now!_

"Oh, well…I don't know what to make of that."

"DOES THIS MEAN I'M NOT IN?"

"Not yet. By official definition, a successful session is one that creates a universe that lives long enough to begin another session. By official definition, your session was successful."

This brought Karkat's hopes up.

"Just one more thing to check here…"

Behold, his death blow.

"…Never achieved god tier…"

Damn it. "I GUESS I BETTER GET GOING…"

"Why, Mr. Vantas?"

What? Did he seriously ask that?

"BECAUSE I NEVER ACHIEVED GOD TIER."

"That doesn't mean crap. Yes, it can hurt your chances at being accepted, but it isn't a definite 'No'."

"OH. WHAT ABOUT THE REPOPULATION?" _WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST SAY?! WHY DID I JUST SAY THAT?!_

"Oh, thank you for reminding me."

Damn it twice as hard.

"Let's see about that." He opens up the file again. He skims through the file. "Repopulation has been successfully initiated."

_What the fuck? _"HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?"

"It says that a human has been impregnated with troll genetic material. That automatically counts as repopulation of both species as the two have combined into one."

Karkat just can't wrap his think pan around the idea of trolls reproducing without a mother grub. Suddenly his species has adopted another's way of procreation. What's going to happen next, marriage? He suddenly feels like his life depends of attending this particular university all the way out in the middle of paradox fucking space.

"Well, Mr. Vantas, I've liked everything I've seen. I'm obliged to accept you into this University. But, I always ask before I get the paperwork; Are you sure you wish to come here? After all it is over a billion miles away from the nearest universe."

"YES," Karkat said before he had a chance to change his mind.

"Okay. There are a couple of dilemmas that we need to discuss, however. Preferably before you sign with us."

This interview can't be going any slower than it already is. "WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PROBLEM?"

"You haven't achieved god tier. Because the Board is very strict on the whole 'god tier' deal, they only like the fully realized attending. Hence the university's name 'Tier'."

"OH."

"There are a couple ways of getting by. This is the last year of doing this though because they finally passed their stupid 'bill' stating that all new students must be fully realized in their title and class."

"HOW CAN YOU GET AROUND SOMETHING LIKE THAT?"

"There are a few ways. The two main ways are to go to a Doomed Timeline Session and die on a quest bed, or cocoon, in your case. The second way is to just wear the uniform and act like you know how powers work. The official school uniform is your god tier outfit anyway, so that should work out just fine."

"OH. I CHOOSE THE SECOND OPTION."

"Okay, what size are you?"

"WHAT?"

"What. Size. Clothing. Do. You. Wear?"

"OH, UH…" Karkat had to think for a moment. "LARGE."

"Okay. I'll be back with the paperwork and we'll get you registered and your schedule." The chancellor leaves the room to print out something. He returns about a minute later and tells Karkat where he needs to sign. Then he leaves again and comes back with a list of majors and courses and tells him to select some and put them in his wish list. It takes Karkat only about three minutes to write down his preferred classes, romance specialist being the major he chose. After the chancellor and Karkat signed the paperwork admitting him into the school, he sends it and the wish list over to the guidance building a couple miles away. He then tells Karkat to follow him to another building a couple blocks away. The building was built for storing spare god tier outfits incase a student were to lose one or one was ruined. He leads Karkat to a room on the second floor. Inside the room were thousands of outfits specifically made for one class and one class only—blood. He reaches up to the third shelf and pulls off one and handed it to Karkat.

"THIS IS 3X. I ONLY WEAR LARGE.

"Paradoxspace has a weird way of sizing things. What it measures as one size is triple that of a universal measurement of size. Therefore, you wear 3x paradoxspace and large Trollian."

Karkat took the outfit. He was instructed to wait while his schedule was made and an address was assigned to him. "ADDRESS? WHAT ABOUT DORMS?"

"Mr. Vantas, Tier University is extremely large. It has an average of three thousand students per class. That accumulates to over ten million students in all. The entire campus is about fifty square miles in area."

"WOW. WHERE WILL I BE PLACED?"

"You will be assigned an address somewhere in the Village of Blood. Most likely you will be partnered with another one of the blood class, unless there is an open house somewhere in the village." Karkat and the chancellor keeps up a conversation the entire time it took to make the schedule and assign the address—about three hours. Karkat asked questions about what he is to do if someone bullies him like they did back on Earth. "That shouldn't happen here considering the fact that the most in a single species attending is only fourteen. However, since you're new, some people, especially in your village, will most likely ask to show them what you can do. Just reply with 'It makes me feel ill when I use my powers'. It will most likely work because a third of the student population suffers from that. I must also warn you that you are the only student that isn't fully realized in your title or class. So be careful who you hang out with."

Woo fucking hoo. As if it wasn't bad enough that he was in the blood class, he had to be the only one not fully realized. This day just can't get any worse.

The chancellor escorts Karkat to his house. "Here it is, 8100d Clot Art."

Is this some sort of joke? 8100d? That isn't even an address. Aren't they usually just made of numbers? And what the heck is an "Artery"? Obviously something having to do with blood.

The house is two stories tall with a basement. It has _human _blood-red shutters and gutters and roof and base. Karkat feels tortured by this. The chancellor says his goodbyes and tells Karkat that he has three days to become accustomed to his schedule and moved in. He also tells him that has a housemate and that his recuperacoon will be delivered later that night.

Karkat unlocks the door with his new key. He carries his suitcase up to the second floor where the respite blocks are. He finds one block that he likes, but it has already been claimed. He finds the other one farther down the hall. The good news is that this one is bigger. The bad news, is that it's red. He much prefers the other beige one than this. Maybe he'll "politely" ask his housemate if they can switch rooms after he's back from classes.

"Hell9, new hivemate." Karkat's eyes widen in terror at the voice. Of all the possibilities, this had to be his hivemate. He should have known when he saw the recuperacoon.


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's note: I'm sorry this chapter is short. The next one is about the same size. Tomorrow will be the last update for a while. I'm going to make the chapters longer.**

* * *

Ch. 2: Be the Heir

John sits in his alien language class. These types of classes are usually fast-paced for being a little difficult. This month, they were covering the native troll tongue. He couldn't wait to have a couple little conversations with his housemate with no one else being able to understand.

Across the room sits a rather tall troll. She always seems to be paranoid that something or someone is watching her. But who isn't? She is a freakishly tall troll. Yes, trolls are taller than most species; only by a few inches, however. But she was tall, standing at least eight feet, almost two feet taller than the average troll. Some people think she isn't even a troll at all. She is typically quiet, talking only to Roxy, Dirk, and Jane, or to Professor English when he talks to her.. Today, John is determined to talk to her, but John notices that she seems a little frightened of him. He doesn't really feel anything except sorry for her for not having many friends.

The bell rings. As everyone gets up, John makes his way toward the troll. "hey."

"hUh, oh. hey, John." With that, she leaves. John thinks it is a little odd, considering that Roxy said that she is typically very polite and loves to talk. Maybe it's her lunch period and she's really hungry. John decides to follow her and perhaps try to actually start a [real] conversation.

John keeps close to the troll. After Alien Languages, they go the same route for a little way, so if she turns around and sees him, not much suspicion will be aroused. He follows her all the way out toward the Village of Space on the female side of the housing campus. He can't really get in trouble for going there because the chancellor allows males into the female half and vise versa until curfew. He follows her up to her house on UrobUros Milk Way. The troll went inside.

* * *

John used his windy powers to turn himself into air to peek inside without being seen. The window was cracked, so he used this to hear.

Inside were the chancellor and the troll. "You wanted to talk?" asked the chancellor.

"yes," replied the troll.

"First, take off that disguise. I don't feel comfortable talking to you when you look like a troll instead of your actual species. No one can see you, and this place is protected. I already told you that. You don't have to dress up as another species."

"bUt i look disgUsting withoUt the disgUise."

"You look like a cherub without the disguise. If paradoxspace wanted you to look any different it would have made you a different species. Now, what did you want to talk about?"

"i don't think professor english is who he says he is."

"Are you saying he's your brother?"

"no, i jUst…there is something familiar aboUt him. it doesn't seem right."

"I can assure you that Professor English is not evil. He isn't going to do anything to hurt anyone."

Is she seriously turning in kind old…well, actually not much older than John, Professor English just because she's nervous about him? And the fact that she's a…uh…cherub? actually explains why she's so freakishly tall. John liked Professor English, but the cherub was right; there is something familiar about him.

"Well, Calliope, there's really nothing I can do about that. I can't fire anyone just because one student thinks there's something wrong with them."

Okay, John has heard enough. He got some of what he wanted, anything else would just be creepy. He decides to go back to his house for lunch.

On his way to his house, he passes the Village of Blood on the male side of housing campus. Usually he stays away from Kankri's house…er…hive, as he calls it. The last time he went past it, he caught Kankri's attention and almost missed his lunch entirely. But this time, he's wind, so he decides to go by and see who Kankri has trapped.

He floats by, and as usual, Kankri has a poor victim trapped. It sounds like it's coming from the spare bedroom in the house. Could he actually have a housemate? John can't help but laugh at the thought. He can't even hold it in, mainly because he doesn't have arms, or a mouth at the current moment. He flies to the window to see who the poor sap is who had the misfortune of being Kankri's housemate.

John peeks in the window. It appears that Kankri has the poor soul cornered where he can't see him. John slips inside the house through the open door. Whoever Kankri is talking too probably hasn't been there for long, maybe an hour at least. After carefully moving as to not cause any noise or kick up any dust, he finally makes it to the doorway.

"This c9ncludes the first serm9n. We will start 9n the sec9nd 9ne in a while. I d9n't really have anything else t9 d9 f9r the rest 9f the day."

John couldn't believe his eyes when he saw who was cornered.


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Note: As I already said, this chapter is short. I'm going to try to make longer ones, so it's going to be a while before the next chapter is released. This is going to be a long fanfiction. I'm trying to introduce more characters before the actual adventure begins, so it's also going to be a while before it gets more interesting. **

* * *

Chapter 3: Stop Eavesdropping You Perv…

Karkat is completely" cornered. How did this happen? Kankri is dead. D-E-A-D. Fucking _DEAD. _It's like he hunted Karkat down while he was sleeping. At this point, he can only hope that his ancestor, once praised by some of the young trolls he used to live in uncomfortably close proximity to on Alternia, and probably the only cool thing left he can think of, was not this long winded and annoying. Seriously, he is completely baffled by how this thing in front of him can go on and on and on like this. It's like he isn't even taking any breaths.

**15 minutes later…**

"This c9ncludes the first serm9n. We will start the sec9nd 9ne in a while. I d9n't really have anything else t9 d9 f9r the rest 9f the day." Finally, it's done talking. For some reason, Kankri hasn't yet moved out of Karkat's way. Maybe he fell asleep, or maybe he just forgot about him…

"H9wever, I have n9t yet pr9perly welc9med y9u int9 this university, and m9re importantly, int9 my…er…I mean…9ur hive."

Fuck.

**One hour later (but feels like a freaking sweep later)**

"I h9pe I haven't taken t99 much 9f y9ur time. I kn9w I can explain things in rather great detail s9metimes. N9w, where was I? Ah, yes, n9w I remember…"

"(hey, karkat)."

"WHAT?"

"I said, that I h9pe we can bec9me great friends. I feel like we really 69nded the last time we met. Y9u were such an amazing listener and questi9ned n9thing that I had t9 say. Thank y9u f9r 6eing p9lite when y9u asked me t9 repeat what I said, 6ut please pay attenti9n fr9m n9w until I finish welc9ming y9u here. It sh9uld 9nly 6e a69ut three m9re h9urs."

"(wow karkat, this is booooooooring)" John can't help but pester Karkat. His prankster gambits are kicking in. He is determined to make Karkat have an outburst, literally, at air.

"(I KNOW. JUST TRY TO GET ME OUT OF HERE, FUCKASS.)"

"What?"

"NOTHING"

"9kay, as I was saying…"

"(karkat, i know you can do better than that.)"

"(WHAT EXACTLY ARE YOU DOING? AND WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU, HUMAN EGBERT?)"

"(all around you.)"

"(THAT MAKES NO FUCKING SENSE.)"

"(it does to me.)"

"6ecause 9f this, I feel as th9ugh I am 9bliged t9 warn y9u in advance that there are s9me rather 9dd rules. 6ef9re I can explain them, I must issue a trigger warning. Triggers may include…"

"(JUST HELP ME THE FUCK OUT FOR ONCE. AND DON'T THROW ANOTHER BUCKET AT MY FUCKING FACE! IT WASN'T FUNNY THE FIRST FEW TIMES, AND IT NEVER WILL BE.)"

"(no, this is just too great.)"

"(ISN'T HE ANNOYING YOU TOO?)"

"(nope.)"

"(WHY THE FUCK NOT?)"

"(because, unlike you, i don't have to listen to him.)

"(I WILL FUCKING MURDER YOU IN YOUR SLEEP!)"

"(karkat, we both know you can't even hurt a fly.)"

"(OKAY, THEN I'LL HAVE A SOBOR GAMZEE HUNT YOU DOWN.)"

"(it appears we are at a stalemate. well played, karkat, well played.)"

"(WHAT DO YOU MEAN A STALEMATE? IT'S EITHER GET ME OUT OF THIS MESS, OR DIE TONIGHT.)"

"(karkat, think about this: it's kankri. he is always going to have you trapped with a different speech since you are his housemate. if you avoid him now, he will just find you later. and i don't think he'll really care whether or not you're asleep.)"

"(FUCK, YOU'RE RIGHT.)"

"(can i see your schedule?)"

"(NO.)"

"(please)"

"(NO.)"

"(please)"

"(NO.!)"

"(please)"

"(NO!)"

"(please)"

"NO! NOW SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

"(you're welcome.)"

"(…WHAT?...)"

"…uh…I did issue a trigger warning, 6ut if y9u are s9 triggered, even th9ugh y9u have had plenty 9f time t9 prepare y9urself f9r p9ssi6le triggers, I can h9ld the welc9me until later 9n. Just, next time, please c9ntr9l y9ur anger en9ugh t9 talk instead 9f sh9ut."

What. The fuck. Just happened? One of Karkat's threats actually worked? This is almost unheard of. Wait a minute…Was John actually helping him or just trying to make him look crazy? Does it really matter? That fuckass is unpredictable anyway. It's best to just not think about it.


	4. Chapter 4

**Author's Note: As promised, here is a longer chapter. The next one will be in a few days. Enjoy and review your opinions and thoughts.**

Ch. 4: Back in School…

A cherub sits down next to a group of kids. There are three of them. The cherub's name, however, is unimportant at this time. The three kids are Roxy Lalonde, Jane Crocker, and Dirk Strider.

The cherub seems to have only known them for a few days, maybe hours because he is actually rather shy around most of the people around the table.

The minute he sits down Dirk asks, "So, have you talked to Callie yet?"

"No," replies the cherub.

"dirk i hope you arent trying to give him relationship advice especially after how yours turned out"

"Roxy, I thought we agreed not to talk about that ever again."

"no just you." Whatever the reason, after their mutated session, Roxy always did find Dirks failed relationships funny. It was just unlike her. After all, she was the one who was like gorilla glue to them during the session anyway. Perhaps she just needed to take a break.

One of her biggest mistakes, however, was not keeping a close enough eye on Jake. What he had refused to tell everyone is that he had a patron. No, not a troll, but a "manbro". Usually he could tell her anything, but he knew that she would disapprove of it and be on his case 24/7…or whatever the time thing is in paradox-space.

His patron "manbro" guided him into being a great hero of hope, although why he would have ever taken any interest in Jake to begin with is beyond anyone's knowledge—especially considering he thought Dirk was a whole lot more tolerable. But Jake was also completely oblivious to his evil plan.

After Jake became a fully realized Page of Hope, Caliborn slowly guided him through training that would make him powerful. He was taught how to focus his power. He was taught to release his anger instead of keeping it in, because everyone knows holding back your emotions causes serious health problems to a god…

Eventually, even though Roxy was [supposed to be] the most powerful god in their session, with Caliborn's help, Jake far surpassed her in power. He was able to do things that other heroes of Hope couldn't ever even dream of doing.

One day, or whatever they're called in the medium, Dave accidentally angered Jake. He didn't just anger him, he "PISSED HIM THE FUCK OFF!" as Karkat had worded it. Jake, having been taught to express his anger, destroyed the session and its newly created universe. It shattered reality just as Lord English does when he destroys dream bubbles. Jake ran off with the Condesce and was never seen heard from by any of the kids or trolls again. They had heard that he joined forces with Lord English, switched classes, and became the Page of Destruction.

But that is another story for later on.

Roxy knew that it wasn't appropriate to joke about one of her best friend's love life, especially since his first boyfriend turned out to be evil and betrayed them all. But she couldn't help it. She has been attempting to lose that trait, which somehow manifested after she had been sober for about two years. She's been making progress—only joking about it about once every two weeks, as compared to once every two hours…literally. She would call him up several times in the middle of the night just to tease him about it. It's a wonder why he hasn't become depressed, or, if he has, why he hadn't already committed suicide.

"I'm planning on talking to her sometime this week," interrupts the cherub. By normal standards, he is a dwarf. A normal cherub his age is about ei1ght feet tall. He is only seven and a half feet tall. "I was actUally thinking about asking her to the God Ball."

Now it's time for Jane to speak up, "The God Ball? Do you understand how big that thing is? There is no way she'll go with you."

"Why?"

"She barely even knows you."

"So? I barely know her, bUt I know we have a lot in common."

"Like what," asks Dirk.

"Like the fact that we're the last two cherubs in existence."

"thats where youre wrong," says Roxy. "she told me that her brother is still alive even though we did weaken him a lot he did survive"

"Who's her brother?"

"You seriously don't know," asks Dirk. He is actually genuinely surprised, even though he was sure the cherub sitting across from him was joking.

"No, I don't."

"Her brother is Lord English," says Jane.

"Really?"

"Yeah."

"Oh. Now I feel stUpid. I guess it was pretty obvioUs, right?"

"Dude, we aren't blaming you for anything," says Dirk. "He just mutated into some hulking beast. Normal adult cherubs aren't even that muscular."

"neither are adult humans," Dave surprises everyone by sneaking up on them and sitting down, "until they get hopped up on steroids."

"How the hell did you manage to sneak Up on us," asks the cherub.

"i dont know i just walked right up and sat down" Dave knew he was lying. The school doesn't ban the use of powers if they aren't being abused. Yes, he did walk up and sit down, but that was an hour ago. He time-traveled into the future just so he could mess with their minds. For some reason, the three of them seem to keep forgetting that he is a knight of time. As for the cherub, the two have never met until this moment. "and who exactly are you to be hanging with my posse?"

"What's a posse?"

"you clearly werent raised on the streets" This is quickly turning into a kismesissitude. "I mean what is your name?'"

"Oh…Jordan," replies the cherub.

"thats a very…uh…human-sounding name," Dave says.

Dave is right. It is a very human-sounding name, and Jordan was always embarrassed of it. All of his friends had names that matched their species—like Taymorla, the Octoriain, a creature with eight arms, eight heads, and eight legs, a Vriska on alien steroids.

He always wondered why his parents never gave him a more cherub-sounding name, like Caliborn, or Calliornis. He never actually even knew his parents. He heard that he used to live with his dad, but he has no recollection of any of that.

* * *

**Meanwhile, somewhere in the [male] Village of Space…**

John finally materialized once he figured he and Karkat were a safe distance away from Kankri. John had an early dismissal that day because he was on a student committee, though he still had a good three hours before the meeting. His original plan was to just go home and sleep until then, but he kind of accidentally discovered Karkat on purpose.

"well, karkat, where is the 'thank you john' that i deserve to hear?" he asks sarcastically.

"WHAT?"

"i saved your butt from kankri, or did you forget about that?"

"NO. DO YOU SERIOUSLY SEE ME AS THE TYPE OF PERSON TO BE POLITE?"

"yes."

"HUMAN JOHN, YOU SHOULD KNOW BY NOW THAT I AM NEVER POLITE."

"i think you're lying."

Karkat was actually polite…somewhat. If he ever said please or thank you, it was under his breath so that no one, sometimes not even himself, could hear. He had a reputation built up, and he wasn't going to let that get ruined by this four-eyed fuckass.

Either way, it is just nice to get away from that nightmare named Kankri with all of his "trigger warnings" and whatnot. Seriously, it seems like he says "trigger warning" every five freaking words, which probably isn't that much of an exaggeration.

"karkat, you still have to show me your schedule."

"I ALREADY SAID NO."

"i temporarily saved you from kankri. you at least owe me that."

"*TEMPORARY* IS THE KEY WORD THERE. YOU GET NOTHING UNTIL YOU *PERMANENTLY* SAVE ME FROM HIM."

"just when i thought you couldn't be any more difficult."

"HOW AM I BEING DIFFICULT?"

"You just are."

"HOW—"

"you. just. are."

"NOW YOU AREN'T MAKING ANY SENSE."

"i make sense to me."

"STOP SAYING CONFUSING SHIT LIKE THAT."

"like what?"

"IT MAKES SENSE TO ME. IT MAY MAKE SENSE TO YOU, BUT TO ME, IT'S A BUNCH OF UNDERSTANDABLE GIBBERISH."

"that, karkat, did not make any sense at all. i don't even know how anyone could even begin to describe 'understandable gibberish'."

"WHATEVER."

They go on like this for about another half hour before they reach John's hive…er…house. Stupid trolls and their stupid different names for things…

John uses his key to unlock the already unlocked door. "this is strange."

"WHAT'S STRANGE?"

"the door was already unlocked." Both he and Karkat are confused, John because he knows he locked the door before he left, and his housemate left before him and is still in class, and Karkat because, well, why would John leave the door unlocked? Besides the fact that he's a fuckass.

They walk in to find the place spotless. Who breaks into a house and cleans the place, besides Frank Moses? This is really weird.

"JOHN, I HAD NO IDEA YOU COULD BE SO ORGANIZED."

"i'm not. this place was trashed when i left."

"THEN WHY IS IT CLEAN….AND WHY IS THERE A BUCKET ON THE COUCH?!"

"there isn't a bucket on the couch, karkat…there are two, apparently."

"I'M LEAVING NOW, MR. 'I AM NOT A HOMOSEXUAL'."

"karkat, i swear, it was not like this when i left. i have no idea why this place is like this."

"I'M NOT LISTENING TO YOU," Karkat said as he walked out the door.

"do you really think tavros would want buckets all over the place?"

"WHO?"

"tavros."

"TAVROS IS DEAD. AND NOT EVEN GOD TIER. HOW IS HE HERE?"

"it's a doomed timeline version of him that somehow escaped before it ended. there are several other students like that here. i know at least five of them."

"HOW DO YOU ESCAPE A DOOMED TIMELINE?!"

"i don't know. i never bothered to ask."

Karkat just won't believe this. He can't. To his knowledge, there is no way to ever escape a doomed timeline. He needs concrete evidence. Now, of course, he still had flushed feelings for John, but he abandoned even attempting handing out hints. Let's face it; John is more oblivious to everything than a fly being drawn to a bug zapper. Besides, John "is NOT a homosexual" anyway, or at least that's what he tells everyone. Seriously, he acts like he can't possibly stress the "NOT" enough. Honestly, Karkat still can't even grasp how stupid of a concept that is. Why can't humans just be pansexual just like all the other species out there? "NICE TRY, BUT I'M STILL LEAVING UNTIL I GET PROOF THAT YOU'RE TELLING ME THE TRUTH."

"and where exactly are you going to go?"

"I DON'T KNOW"

"then why are you leaving?"

"JOHN, LOOK AT THE COUCH. WHAT DO YOU SEE?"

"…buckets…"

"HOW MANY BUCKETS?"

"….two…."

"I THOUGHT YOU WEREN'T A HOMOSEXUAL."

"karkat, how many times are we going to go over this; i am *****not***** a homosexual!"

"THEN UNTIL YOU CAN GIVE ME A GOOD EXPLANATION AS TO WHY THERE ARE TWO BUCKETS ON YOUR COUCH, I'M LEAVING AND NOT RETURNING. SERIOUSLY, IT'S LIKE YOU ARE TOYING WITH MY EMOTIONS. GOODBYE, HUMAN JOHN."

"karkat—"

"GOODBYE."

* * *

**John: three days later and i'm still trying to explain that i have no idea why the buckets were there.**


	5. Chapter 5

**Author's note: It's finally done, but I've been busy and struggling with a little bit of writer's block, so I know this isn't going to be the best chapter. I think my problem is that I plan events later in the story without planning the things leading up to them. Anyway, it'll get better.**

* * *

Chapter 5: The Kismesissitude

Karkat walked down the road. Actually he ran. He absconded as fast as he could. Did Egderp really expect Karkat to be fooled by the clean house…er…hive…er…whatever it's called. I'm really confused. He isn't dumb. He was at least a thousand times more intelligent than that pathetic human.

Wait, did he just tell John that he was toying with his emotions? It doesn't really matter anyway. It isn't like he'll catch on to anything. Truth be known John probably didn't even notice.

After about an hour of continuous running, he finds himself in another village. Unlike the windy one he'd just been in, this one was smothered in gears and clocks. He figures he is in the Village of Time.

Karkat is officially lost.

"GREAT," he mumbles to himself. He keeps his head low. Even though he was told that all things involving the hemospectrum are banned (highbloods, lowbloods, hemotyping, etc.), he is still embarrassed of his caste. The one thing he had always failed to realize is that MOST species have that blood color. There is hardly a hemospectrum at all. In fact, according to the Universal Spectrum, is in the top thirteen castes out of several thousand. He should feel proud, but he doesn't.

By now, classes are ending and students are returning to their whatever-they're-called's. As Karkat walks, people stare at him. He keeps his head low in case someone decides to go farther than staring. He really doesn't want any social interaction right now.

In his focused-on-being-antisocial stupor he runs into someone, causing them both to fall to the ground. "watch where youre going dumbass"

_OH SHIT. NOT THIS MORON._

"I WAS PAYING PERFECTLY GOOD FUCKING ATTENTION. WHY DON'T YOU WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING?!"

_oh shit not this moron_

One of the two has to abscond before a fight breaks out, but honestly, neither of them feels like fighting. Now it's just a matter of who ran into who. If they can settle this without fighting, that'll be great. If not, well, Karkat doesn't want to get expelled before he even starts classes.

Dave and Karkat's relationship started off a little rocky. The two finally decided to take it to kismesissitude when they fought over Terezi, who decided to go with Dave and left Karkat to go after John…er…whoever he wanted. Just the thought of the other makes both of them want to choke on their own vomit.

Karkat runs away, trying to hold back every ton of hatred he has from murdering Dave right there. As much as he hates to admit it, he wants to be with Kankri right now.

* * *

**Three days later…**

- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering CarcinoGenesis [CG] at 15:45 -

EB: karkat, i really don't see why you are acting like this.

CG: YOU KNOW EXACTLY WHY I AM ACTING LIKE THIS.

EB: you can still talk to me. i'm your buddy.

CG: MY WHAT?

EB: my buddy

CG: WHAT THE EVER-LOVING FUCK IS A BUDDY? APPARENTLY IT IS SOMETHING YOU ARE TO ME, BUT RIGHT NOW I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN EVEN TRUST YOU.

EB: a buddy is a really close friend. but seriously karkat, you haven't even spoken to me in three days. what's wrong?

CG: I HAVE A GOOD FUCKING REASON NOT TO SPEAK TO YOU.

EB: technically you're speaking to me right now.

CG: HOW?

EB: pesterlog.

CG: THIS ISN'T SPEAKING, FUCKASS. IT'S TYPING. YOU REALLY ARE DUMBER THAN YOU LOOK.

- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 15:47 -

TG: yo john i need your help

CG: GET OUT OF THIS CONVERSATION, STRIDER! THIS DOES NOT CONCERN YOU!

TG: i came here to talk to john not you dumbass

CG: DO I LOOK LIKE I FUCKING CARE IF YOU ARE HERE TO TALK TO ME? NO, I DON'T! I JUST TOLD YOU TO GET OUT OF THE CONVERSATION!

EB: karkat, please let dave talk. seriously, what do you have against him?

TG: who knows

CG: EVERYTHING!

CG: HE'S A MAJOR FUCKASS. HE'S A SHIT STAIN ON THE WHITEY-TIGHTIES OF FUCKING PARADOX-SPACE! HE'S A POOR, PATHETIC EXCUSE FOR A LIFE FORM!

CG: I HAVE EVERY GOOD GOG DAMN REASON TO HATE THAT NOOKWHIFF!

TG: dude calm the fuck down

EB: okay, i think that one of you should disconnect before this turns into a complete cyber war.

CG: FUCKING HAPPILY!

- ectoBiologist [EB] ceased being trolled by CarcinoGenesis [CG] -

TG: thank fucking god

EB: dave, shut up.

TG: what

EB: you know exactly what.

EB: i was having a completely civilized conversation with karkat and you ruined it.

TG: since when is that creature ever civilized

TG: damn he always calls everyone a fuckass

TG; jus sayin

EB: dave, i think it's probably time for you to talk to karkat and settle your differences.

TG: no absolutely not

EB: dave if you want to stay my friend, i would suggest you do it.

TG: no

EB: for me?

TG: i have plenty of friends other than you to talk to

EB: …

EB: …

EB: ok, if you want to be that way, let's just see how you really feel about that.

EB: good luck dave. you just lost a friend.

TG: you don't really mean that

- ectoBiologist [EB] ceased being pestered by turntechGodhead [TG] -

TG: john i know you are still there

TG: john

TG: john answer the damn pesterlog

TG: come on man answer already

TG: well i guess im just here talking to myself

TG: alone

TG: with no roommate to talk to

TG: but i still have friends

TG: john for the love of all that is holy answer now

* * *

**The next day…**

Dave walks into his favorite class: Alien Music. Seriously, some of the students' races have some pretty sick beats.

After Alien Music, he heads over to Power Control, a required class. Even though they all believed they didn't need it, mainly because they weakened the almighty Lord of Time, known in Gamzee's religion as the Angel of Double Death, they still have to. Looking back on their history, their powers are especially unpredictable, considering that two of them are ectobiologically related to the Page.

Dave always slept through the class. He was "too cool" for it. Everyone already knew this by his test scores. Needless to say, he failed every one of them. But today, paradox-space had something else in store for him.

In the middle of a horrible nightmare, something that he's been having frequently, he lets out a loud snort and wiggles around in his desk for a couple seconds. Usually the professor doesn't notice, but this marks Dave's third warning. He is automatically sent to the disciplinary offices for action to be taken.

Today is also Karkat's technical first day of attendance. He is currently being given a tour of the campus—specifically in the disciplinary offices.

Dave sits outside the Head of Discipline's office door. The chancellor walks Karkat through the hallway right past Dave and walks another twenty feet down the hall talking before he realizes that the two are in the middle of a "discussion".

"Karkat! David! What are you two fighting about?"

"HE FUCKING TRIPPED ME!"

"and there goes the little kitty-cat making up stories again"

"SHUT UP"

"make me"

"How about both of you shut up and explain to me why this is happening. Dave, I know there has to be a good reason why you're here. And by 'good' I mean not 'to make Karkat pissed and start a fight'. "

"i was sleeping in class"

"So? You do that all the time."

"i know."

"WAIT, YOU ARE ACTUALLY OKAY WITH THIS FUCKASS AND HIS FUCKASSERY?"

"I agree with him and the rest of your group, Karkat. Power Control isn't really needed with you. You fought Lord English and won. In my opinion, that's control enough."

"then why are we taking it again"

"Because I'm not in control of the classes that are required for everybody."

"CAN WE JUST CONTINUE WITH THE TOUR?"

"no"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP, STRIDER!"

"you shut the fuck up i'm having a friendly conversation with dj"

"WHAT, YOU TWO ARE ON A FIRST-NAME BASIS OR WHATEVER?"

"everyone is on a first name basis with him"

"WHAT?"

"It's true. I'm hardly an enemy to anybody here, but yes, we can continue."

"GOOD."

"good"

"SHUT UP, STRIDER!"

"make me" That's enough for Karkat. Without hesitation he reaches over and gives Dave a bloody nose, and bloody almost-everything else. Behind them, Chancellor DJ is performing a facepalm x2 combo. He knows he's powerless against a bloodthirsty troll. The fact that he's a "lowblood" doesn't help with anything.

"Please, stop," he says without even caring. The anger in his voice is almost apparent. Karkat and Dave are Kismesis, kismesises…kismesiis…I don't know the plural form. But they are. Getting in between is almost sure death. Almost.

Just as Karkat delivers the final blow, the Head of Discipline Mr. Hussie, opens up the door to call in Dave, but instead finds him unconscious on the floor. "You there, new kid, what are you thinking, doing something like this?"

"I—"

"They are kismeses. I just simply chose the wrong time to bring Karkat, here around this building. I'm terribly sorry and will call in for the nurse immediately. Please don't be too hard on Dave."

"I don't care if they're matesprits, kismeses, auspistices, moirails, or whatever type of romance is out there. This is against school law!"

"You need to loosen up a little bit. I know Dave seems to be in here once every other week, but this is his first sleeping charge. You can at least let it slide this once."

"I can't."

"Please."

"No," Mr. Hussie turns to Dave, who is lying at his feet, "now Dave, pick your sorry ass up and get in my office. Now."

* * *

**Karkat: STRIDER DESERVED EVERY FUCKING BIT OF WHAT HE GOT.**

**Author: Karkat, shut up. **


	6. Chapter 6

**Author's note: Okay, before you start reading, I want to say Sorry for this chapter. It was meant to be about something else, but I started writing and it turned out like this. **

* * *

Chapter 6: Where's Dave?

The next day Karkat sits down at the cafeteria table with John at lunch. Why he sits there is beyond anybody's guess because he still refuses to talk to John in person. Sitting there with them is Terezi. She hasn't seemed to notice Karkat yet, and he kind of hopes she doesn't.

"SO, K4RK4T, WH4T F1N4LLY M4DE YOU COM3 H3R3?"

Damn it. "NOTHING."

"SO YOU JUST C4M3 H3R3 FOR NO R34SON 4T 4LL?"

"EXACTLY."

"karkat, i thought you told me that gamzee wanted you to come."

"OOH, K4RK4T, 1 DONT TH1NK TH4T W4S G4MZ33"

"WHY NOT"

"gamzee doesn't go here."

"TEREZI, PLEASE DO EXPLAIN WHAT HE'S TALKING ABOUT."

"K4RKL3S, G4MZ33 N3V3R D1D 4PPLY H3R3, OR 1F H3 D1D, NO ON3 H4S S33N H1M"

"WHAT?" Karkat can't believe them.

"gamzee has never been seen anywhere around campus."

"TEREZI, I KNOW YOU ARE JOKING."

"SORRY K4RKL3S, WE ARENT"

"I SPECIFICALLY REMEMBER HIM BUGGING ME ABOUT IT. HE WOULDN'T SHUT UP NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES I TOLD HIM TO. NOW YOU'RE TELLING ME THAT NEVER HAPPENED."

"i guess so, yeah." John can't believe that Karkat hasn't said a word to him yet. He keeps directing everything over to Terezi. There's also just something about the way he reacted to him knowing about Gamzee. "karkat, is there anything wrong?"

Silence. Karkat has actually started eating. So has Terezi. "I know gamzee is your moirail or whatever you call it, but you seemed surprised that i know that. why?"

Karkat pulls out his iGrub. He taps the screen like he's texting. Then John's phone dings and he looks at it.

- CarcinoGenesis [CG] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB] at 12:43 -

CG: YOU HAVE NO REASON TO POSSIBLY KNOW THAT.

"really, karkat? you are seriously going to troll me when you're sitting directly freaking across the table."

CG: YES

"what is wrong with you? seriously, karkat, it's like you don't even like me anymore."

CG: THAT'S WHAT YOU THINK

"what? no, don't answer that. i'm not going to talk to you like this. either speak or not.

CG: I CHOOSE NOT.

- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 12:44 -

TG: john i know youre pissed but please answer me this time

TG: its important

EB: dave, now is definitely not the time to talk.

Terezi is now confused. First, John is talking to Karkat explaining that trolling him when they're close to each other is dumb, and now he's doing it back? What the fuck?

TG: john im in trouble

EB: what's new

TG: no i really need help

TG: im about to kill myself

CG: IT'S ABOUT FUCKING TIME

"karkat, leave this conversation now."

What the fuck?! "JOHN, M4K3 UP YOUR M1ND AR3 YOU GO1NG TO P3ST3R K4RK4T OR T4LK?"

"dave joined the chat."

"OH"

CG: NO I WILL NOT FUCKING LEAVE THE CONVERSATION. I WANT TO SEE THE MESSAGE THAT SAYS THAT STRIDER KILLED HIMSELF.

TG: just for that i wont

EB: dave, seriously, don't kill yourself.

TG: why not

TG: i do nothing but ruin everything

TG: you dont even want anything to do with me anymore

TG: I have nothing to live for

TG: im done

EB: dave! no!

- turntechGodhead [TG] fell off campus -

CG: FINALLY.

"karkat, leave the table, now!"

CG: FINE. IF YOU DON'T WANT ME, I DON'T HAVE TO BE HERE.

"you didn't have to sit here in the first place."

- CarcinoGenesis [CG] ceased trolling ectoBiologist [EB] -

Karkat gets up and takes his tray over to the drop off counter. He leaves the cafeteria. Over at the table, Terezi sniffs John's phone screen and instantly becomes sad. "D1D D4V3 R34LLY—" Terezi doesn't even need to finish her question. John already knows what she's asking.

"yeah. i think he did."

They are both silent for the remainder of their lunch period—about fifteen minutes. Afterward, they walk back to their class together. Having second lunch did have its ups. It split the day into halves so neither end seemed longer than the other.

While the professor was waiting for everyone to arrive, John and Terezi decided to go up to her.

"uh, professor paint?"

"What, child?" Professor Paint is a widow. Her husband was killed in a battle for Skaia. After a few years she finally decided it was time to move on and got a job teaching at the university. Her area of expertise: art.

"D4V3 K1LL3D H1MS3LF"

"What?"

"he just committed suicide about twenty minutes ago. we don't know why, though. he didn't really say. he just said that there was nothing he could live for." John showed Professor Paint the pesterlog, and she quickly called the security building, saying that there could be a dead student.

The university is put on lockdown after they hear the news. Security enlists the help of John, Terezi, and Karkat to search for Dave, or his body, anyway.

Suddenly an uneventful day has become something that the university has never experienced before in its entire history. The entire security building has been assigned an area to search. Some of the more powerful Heroes of Dream are enlisted to help search for any sort of brain activity aside from their own or anything in any of the buildings. No one finds anything.

The chancellor runs over to John to find out what's happening. John tells him what happened and shows him the pesterlog. He finds it hard to believe that Dave could do something like that. So does everyone else who knows him.

The truth is, after the Page destroyed the void session, Dave had always felt like it was his fault. Like Karkat had worded it: "YOU PISSED HIM THE FUCK OFF!". And he believed it, though it wasn't intentional. After the ordeal he became mentally unstable. He began cutting himself, smoking, drinking, anything to numb his psychological pain. This was, however, the first time he attempted suicide, though he had contemplated it before. Now his cold, lifeless body floats through paradox-space, moving away from the school at several miles per second. He suffocated in the complete void of paradox-space, hopefully never to be resurrected.

Thousands of miles away from the university, a Horrorterror finds the body and picks it up. It carries the body to a dream bubble a couple light years away. In it is an alien civilization that was once thought to be extinct. The entire civilization played the game and lost. They had to scratch it and killed themselves off so they wouldn't be wiped from existence, much like what happened to the pre-scratch trolls. The Horrorterror drops the body in Town Square. The creatures stare at the body, but are more focused on not being eaten by the Horrorterror. They look oddly like the same species as the body dropped in front of them. The Horrorterror flies away.

Dave's phone buzzes. One of the creatures cautiously walks up and takes it.

- undyingUmbrage [uu] began jeering turntechGodhead [TG] at 14:22 -

uu: I HAVE A PROPOSITION FOR YOU

uu: DO YOU NOT HEAR YOUR PORTABLE COMPUTATION DEVICE?

uu: ANSWER ME DAMN IT!

uu: FINE, DON'T ANSWER, BUT AT LEAST LOOK AT THIS.

TG: What are you doing, English?

uu: What?

TG: You know exactly what.

TG: You will rue the day you predominated over your sister!

uu: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

- uranianUmbra [UU] began cheering turntechGodhead [TG] at 14:36 -

UU: dave, i know that yoU might be dead, bUt yoU might also be alive. Please come back. The entire school is worried aboUt yoU.

uu: HOW DO YOU KNOW HIM?

UU: i jUst do.

uu: NO, YOU DON'T.

UU: don't tell me who i know and don't know, caliborn. i also see yoUr grammar has improved.

uu: AND I SEE YOUR SPELLING HAS BECOME MORE NORMAL.

uu: NOW, TELL ME WHERE YOU ARE.

UU: no. never.

TG: What's happening here?

UU: dave! i knew yoU are still alive! bUt yoU aren't typing like yoU normally do.

TG: I'm not dave. you must be referring to the dead person in the middle of the square.

UU: what?

uu: WHAT?

UU: how long has he been there?

TG: I don't know, fifteen minutes perhaps? A Horrorterror just dropped it off.

Dave is completely dead. He should've come back to life by now. Calliope begins to cry. She throws her portable computation device against the wall and it shatters. She just wants to be left alone.

- uranianUmbra's [UU]'s portable computation device shattered into a million pieces -

* * *

**Author's note: Like I said before, I apologize for the sadness. It wasn't even planned, but will also be involved in later events.**


	7. Chapter 7 Chapter 1

**Author's note: So, I feel like this chapter so far came about half way to doubling the size of the entire story. Also, take note that this is Chapter 7 Part 1.**

**You also get to learn a little bit about the Chancellor's past, with a few more new characters making appearances. Enjoy.**

* * *

I Found Him

Security brings out the woofbeasts to sniff around for…wait, did I just say woofbeasts?...wow, I'm spending way too much time stalking the trolls…to sniff around for any signs of Dave.

"No, I don't care if they can't smell anything. Keep looking!" The chancellor is getting angry now. The entire university has been on lockdown for two days. People are contemplating offing themselves to escape this torture, and he's had enough of it. Now, Callie is even becoming mentally unstable. She's completely worried. "Search the homes! He might be alive by now and just hiding!"

He can't express his frustration enough through walkie-talkie. He looks over his shoulder and sees a bloodhound staring at him. "You smell anything," he asks, looking back at the woof—dog, "I didn't think so."

_He isn't here._

"What?"

_He is nowhere to be found._

"Who's saying that?"

_You asked me a question and I'm answering it. _He looks wide-eyed at the dog. "Are you—Are you speaking to me?"

_Yes, idiot._

"What…how?"

_You know why. _And he did know why. He knew ever since his session of the game trillions of years, in the earth sense, ago.

"Do you at lease have any idea where he would be?"

_Consult the Horrorterrors underneath the campus._

"Why would they know?"

_Besides the fact that they are all-knowing dark gods? I don't know. I am completely clueless._

"Okay, okay, I get it. I'll talk with them."

"Woof"

"Right back at 'cha."

The chancellor walks over to the edge of the campus. In front of him is a drop off. Beyond that: an abyss. He closes his eyes and tries to concentrate. No matter how hard he tries he can't make a connection to the Horrorterrors.

Then he jumps. He catches himself several hundred feet below campus. It's actually very surprising how little gravity there is underneath it. It's actually like a one-way gravitational pull type thing.

He's surrounded by an eerie fog. Behind him a Horrorterror appears out of the density. A connection is made. After a little while of mental arguing, the Horrorterror reveals itself to be the same Horrorterror who took Dave's body to a dream bubble. "Take me there," says the chancellor.

The Horrorterror acts offended, but it knows that it is inferior to the chancellor, so it begrudgingly obliges.

Knowing that the chancellor will suffocate and die without it, the Horrorterror surrounds itself in a ball of oxygen and keeps it at a constant one atmosphere of pressure. It then proceeds to quickly accelerate to several hundred times faster than the speed of light just because Horrorterrors can do that shit.

Within what feels like just a few seconds they both arrive at the dream bubble. Something about it strikes DJ as being a bit familiar, but before he can think of what that would be, the Horrorterror stops dead in its theoretical tracks, throwing him toward the bubble faster than the speed of light. If it weren't for wind resistance and psiionic Horrorterror abilities, he would've gone splat and wound up in sort of the same situation as Dave.

DJ comes to a gentle landing, albeit not on his feet, or exactly gentle, but it's still a gentle-ish landing. His head hits the ground, followed by his back, his feet, his abdomen, his head, and finally his back again. With his eyes closed he swears he can hear someone say, "Theaio blgat," or 'Not again.' Though he can't make out what dialect it is, he can still understand it perfectly and even has the impulse to speak it.

He opens his eyes and sees an old friend of his, whom had abandoned and forgotten their friendship long ago, staring at him awkwardly.

"Myio hae raina ttitn wvaen fooh," says the person, or, in English, 'What's with you people and falling in our bubble," which is a rough translation.

"Myio hinhahnak raina far parleine iis," the chancellor replies. In English, this means, "What are you talking about?"

OTHER LANGUAGE ENGLISH TRANSLATION

"Myio paleaine nroti reeibna?" "You speak our tongue?"

"Siin hyop the." "Of course I do."

"yioun his itiitl nvio myio biigne?" "How is it that we've never seen you before?"

"Myio pn iies thishg e?" "You don't remember me?"

"Mononon this theiss th." "Can't say that I do."

Okay, that would explain why the dialect sounded so familiar. He was in the dream bubble of a doomed timeline of his session. His race played the first session, and the entire race participated. The race once called themselves 'Hiityndbeirnng' or 'Hyperbeings'. Their language was called 'Hiitynbbidn' or 'Hyperbein'.

Not remembering what used to be an old friend is only common among post-scratch sessions, even if it was a doomed timeline. But, as will be proven by another event five minutes into the future, this is no post-scratch bubble. The sudden amnesia, however, could be explained because: 1. DJ ran away from his session because Skaia told him to 2. That was trillions of years ago, in the earth sense 3. The two of them had a huge fight just before he left the session. Ironically enough, the fight was about him leaving the session.

By now a huge crowd had gathered around the square. They acted surprised to see DJ standing there. Probably because he just fell from the freaking sky and lived. Probably because the last one that landed there three days ago was dead when it landed. They all watch him as he studies them. "Have any of you seen a boy, about this tall," he holds his and around his shoulders' height off the ground, "and wearing a red God Tier uniform with a large cape? And sunglasses?"

Nothing.

_Okay, I just forgot that no one here understands a word of English. _"Fii aniity di myios niit e sinthe shiiy ggien sallle viivont aniy andk thiius la? Ffinntia quire sll ianww?"

A man walks up to him. "Iiinth dsizyt dkkdk," or "Yes, he's here."

Behind the Hyperbein man, a woman breaks through the crowd, followed by what is presumed to be her husband and daughter, and the rest of their family trying to hold her back. She runs up the steps to the top of the small island in the middle of the square where DJ and the other man are standing. She gets to the top and immediately confirms her recognition of DJ. She then proceed to run over to him and bear hug him with tears pouring out of her eyes. "Iin Deej, ithh aothyw eytyty I ahg myio," which translates into, "Oh, DJ, I thought we lost you forever."

DJ recognizes this woman as his mother, only one of his closest friends/family members Skaia had ordered him to leave behind. Now, she's a ghost, and he is all but dead.

"Niiant akk itehyr M,aithw." Or, "Myrtle, you're going to suffocate that man!" says the woman's husband.

"Ittithe cmtwoay, aith ithssd nvuth ssin, Deej," or "Can't you see? It is our son, DJ."

The man loses his look of worry for the poor chancellor. It becomes obvious that he wants nothing to do with his son. "M,aithw tyhg di," or "Myrtle, let's go."

"Giuso," Myrtle tells DJ. He obliges and follows them back to their house. When they arrive, DJ gives them all the ability to understand and speak the entire English language.

"Myrtle, I told you not to go up there to that man!"

"Walt, he's our son. Aren't you happy? After all this time he's finally returned to us." Myrtle pleads with her husband to talk to DJ. After a few minutes of his stubbornness, she turns to DJ and pleads with him, "Go talk to your father."

"Why? He obviously has a good reason to not want anything to do with me."

"DJ, I am your mother. You have caused me grief for trillions of years. You can at least do this for me."

DJ thinks for a minute. "I will if you can help me."

Now Myrtle thinks for a minute. "Fine, what could you possible need besides your mother's love?"

"I'm looking for a young man, about five foot seven, wearing a Hero of Time uniform and dark sunglasses. If he wasn't wearing sunglasses, he has red irises. Have you seen him?"

"No, I haven't. I'm sorry, now go talk to your father."

"Sorry, I can't. After all, a deal is a deal. You haven't really helped much." With that having been said, a girl who was with Myrtle and Walt at the square speaks up. "I've seen him."

"Thanks, sweetie. Now DJ, go fucking talk to your father."

"She helped, not you."

Myrtle's jaw drops almost to the floor. She should've known that DJ would eventually learn to outsmart her in something, but she still knows how to work things the way she want them to go. "Your sister has seen him."

"Mom, you can't just repeat everything Sarah says. That isn't helping. It's being redundant." He turns to Sarah. "Is he alive?"

"Yes, in fact, he's in the kitchen. Let's go see him."

"Mom, dad is in the kitchen. Besides, you just said you haven't seen him. Shut up."

"He looked and felt dead. I helped carry him to the hospital," Sarah says. "They've been trying to revive him. He actually looked a lot like one of us, though no one has given a confirmation on his identity. Some have said that he's their missing neighbor and some have said he's their son, and so on. It's just so confusing."

"Can you take me to him?"

"Yes. Come on. We probably don't have much time. They usually give up on someone four days after they die." Sarah leads her brother to the hospital. Their parents, aunts, uncles, and cousins follow suit. They want to see this. When they reach the hospital, they have to break through a crowd to get inside the hospital room. Only the four that we know can fit in with the doctors and nurses, so the rest stay outside and watch through windows.

DJ walks in the room. He pushes doctors and nurses out of the way to see Dave's body lying there on the bed. He has several holes in his arms where nurses have connected IVs to pump adrenaline into his body. But nothing had worked.

DJ buries his face in his hands. He tries to think of something that could work. He can't just go back to the university and tell everyone that Dave's gone forever. He can't be. He isn't supposed to die. He still has a very important thing to do. It can't be over.

Tears begin to swell up in DJ's eyes, not because he's mourning over Dave's death—no, he could barely even stand him, but because he failed to fulfill his mission that Skaia had given him in his session.

But everything was still normal.

There is still hope. There has to be a way to revive Dave.

_Forget it._

DJ jumps almost out of his skin as he hears the familiar whisper in his ear. He'd heard it only once before, but the tone gave away who it was immediately. The Page.

"Honey, are you alright," Myrtle asks.

"Yes," is the only reply DJ can think of, but he wasn't. He just about had a heart attack right there. The good news for it is that he was already at the hospital. The bad news: if he had one, he would be a goner. His race never did develop medical technology like aspirin or anything like that that the humans did. Though the two races appear to have evolved from each other, the humans were far more intelligent. DJ walks over to Dave's body, reaches into his pocket, and is relieved to find a bottle of aspirin that Dave had always carried around for heart problems he'd been diagnosed with not to long after he became a student at the university. "I don't think he'll really be needing this for now."

"What is it," asks Sarah.

"Aspirin."

"What does it do," asks Myrtle.

"It saves your life when you have a heart attack."

"Where was that shit when I needed it," Walt asks angrily.

"Obviously with the humans," DJ replies. He then has an idea. How it came into his head from talking about aspirin is beyond his knowledge.

He can tell by the way she talks about him that Sarah thinks that Dave is cute. "Sarah, I want you to go over there and kiss that boy on the mouth, and blow air into it while holding his nose shut."

"What? Ew, that's gross!"

"Sarah, if you do it he'll come back to life."

"Why are you picking on me to do it though?"

"Because I think all three of us would be scarred for eternity if I did it."

"What about me?!"

"Yeah, I don't think anyone cares about that."

"You haven't changed a bit."

"And I'm still alive." after hearing that, everyone gasped. It was impossible for him to still be alive. He still looks exactly the same as he did when he left.

"You can't be," says Walt, "it's impossible."

"Obviously not. Now, can we drop this and kiss the boy?"

"You just made that sound way more perverted than it actually is," Sarah says.

"Sarah, do it already."

"Fine, but I don't see how this is going to bring him back to life."

Sarah goes over, pinches Dave's nose shut, and kisses him and blows air into his mouth, unaware that she's actually helping out with CPR. She suddenly lets up. "No more air will fit in."

"That's fine. Move out of the way."

"Why?"

"Just do it." DJ goes over and starts pumping Dave's chest. The heart monitor begins to show that his heart is beating, but as soon as he stops pumping, it flatlines again. They repeat this process for several more hours until the doctors pronounce him permanently dead. Forever.

"Wait," says DJ. "I know he's been dead for some time, but there has to be some other way of reviving him. There have been humans dead for several hours and come back to life, why not days?"

"There's no other way. We've done everything," says one of the doctors.

"Have you tried electrocuting him," DJ asks.

"How does electrocution bring someone back to life?"

"The brain and nervous system run on electricity. The objective is to shock the brain back to life. If we're lucky, we can also get the heart going along with it."

"Who discovered that," Walt asks. "I could've used that—"

"Yes, yes we all know, 'trillions of years ago,'" interrupts Myrtle.

"Will everyone just shut up and let me think," DJ shouts. "We can use an electric cord to shock him."

The doctors tear some wires out of the ceiling. They have them hooked directly to the fuses in the basement. DJ takes Dave's cape off of his body. His shirt, however, cannot be taken so easily. They flip the body over and cut the shirt open to expose Dave's back. DJ puts a metal coin in the middle of his back and puts the exposed wires onto it, amplifying the current. The jolt goes up the cord and into Dave's dead brain. The shock causes the body to lift of the table a little bit, which causes the doctors to almost freak the fuck out, as they have never seen anything like that before. The heart monitor shows beating, but once again flatlines when the current is taken off. They repeat this for several hours until they all give up.

"Official official official time of death: 7:42 p.m.," says a nurse.

"Not. Freaking. Yet," DJ interrupts.

"Oh my gog, will you just give it a rest," says Walt, "obviously the boy isn't coming back to life."

"We still have one, or two, chances left to revive him." DJ gets out his phone. He calls Aranea Serket, one of the secretaries that works in his office building at the university. She picks up the phone immediately.

"Sir, where are you? You've 8een gone for two days."

"No I—has it really been that long?"

"Yes!"

"Okay—anyway, I need your help."

"With what?"

"I've found Dave…'s body."

"Where?"

"It's in a dream bubble that could possibly be several trillions of light years from the university. I just need your help figuring out how to revive it—him."

"Did you just say 'university,'" a nurse asks.

"Yes, now shut up. I'm on the phone."

"Well, being dead this long, I wouldn't imagine him being revivable. But, I guess anything is possible when something is as important as he is," Aranea continues.

"We've tried all I can think of: electrocution, CPR, stuff like that."

"I can't think of anything…Hold on while I go get Meenah."

(Now would be a good timed to run _Elevatorstuck _on your iPod a few times while we're waiting for Aranea and Meenah.)

**Several minutes later…**

"yo what up"

"Meenah, as a Hero of Life, can you possibly tell me how to revive Dave?"

"possibly whats he look like"

"He looks like Dave. That's really the only way to describe it."

"no what is the physical appearance of the body"

"Oh, uh…pale, a little purple-blue, that's really all I can say to describe it."

"it may be possible but I need to know how many times youve tried reviving 'em"

"A lot. We'll leave it at that."

"can you possibly be more pacific"

"More…pacific?"

"its a pun get over it"

"I would say upwards of sixty or over."

Meenah thinks for a minute. "there may be a way but it is very difficult to accompfish"

"Okay, what is it?"

"you will have to find his soul and merge it with his body"

"How the ever-loving hell am I supposed to find his soul?"

"thats why its so difficult and with him offin himself i wouldnt expect 'em to reelly want to come back to life"

"Is there any other way?"

"im sorry but there isnt"

"Okay. I'll see what we can do." DJ hangs up. How could he even begin to search for a soul that's been outside of its host body for four days?

_I can help._

And there's the voice again. This time, it is accompanied by a feeling of being poked in the side. This causes DJ to completely spaz out and knock down the heart monitor. "Where are you?"

_Nowhere near you._

"I'm being serious! Where are you so I can beat the living shit out of you?!"

"Uh, DJ, we're all around you," says Myrtle.

_Oh how comedic it is to watch you yell at literal nothingness while your old family and friends think youre going crazy!_

"Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!" Now DJ is throwing a temper tantrum like a little kid. It reminds everyone of how he actually used to be. He would always throw these exact same kinds of tantrums all the time.

_You do realize that i'm in your head right? I dont have to leave._

"I don't fucking care!"

"DJ! Watch your mouth," Walt shouts.

_I already told you i can help._

"How?"

"How what?"

"I'm not talking to you, Sarah."

"Oh, then who are you talking to, exactly"

_Youre obviously talking to me. Too bad none of them know that._

"Back to my question; How can you help—if helping is even a possible ability of yours?"

"Seriously, who are you talking to," asks a concerned nurse.

_I can get daves soul. I know exactly where it is._

"Good. Then do that. Bring it back here."

_I dont think so._

"Why not?!"

_I said that i can get it. I never said that i would though._

"You cheating little—"

"DJ, you better not finish that sentence," Myrtle warns.

_I will do it…for a price._

"Absolutely not. I'll do it myself. I do not bargain with the enemy."

"What enemy?"

"Okay, for the last freaking time, this concerns NONE of you!"

_Except for me._

"Yes, except for you."

"Except for who?"

"Not you."

_That was beautiful…_

"I don't care. Just tell me where the soul is and I'll get him myself."

_My help comes at a price._

"I thought getting the soul comes at a price."

_That would be help._

"You should've specified what you meant."

_Is it just me or has the universal definition of the word help changed over the past five years?_

"It's just you."

_Ooh someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning._

"According to Ms. Serket, I didn't even sleep at all last night."

_According to this according to that blah blah fucking blah. You need to quit relying on other people to do your thinking for you._

"I would presume _that's _how you rose to power?"

_Uh…_

"Because the last time I checked, you were relying on Caliborn to train you to become powerful instead of learning on your own. Great job not relying on people to do your thinking for you."

_…_

"Now, are you going to help out, or what?"

"We would if we knew what you are talking about, and who you're talking to."

"Shut up."

_I choose what._

"By which I meant that both options are the same: help out. Now."

"With what?"

"Not you! Now shut up!"

_Will you just tell them that youre conversing with a voice in your head already? Obviously they have no idea who youre talking to or what you need help with._

"No. They'll think I'm crazy if I do that."

_Look around. They already think that youre crazy._

He looks around. Sure enough everyone looks at him, confused. No one has any idea what he's talking about, or who he's talking to.

"Okay, what's your price," he asks the voice in his head.

"I didn't know we were supposed to have a price…"

"For the last freaking time, no fucking you. Shut up."

_Im happy you asked. But my price cannot be named. Instead you must pay it when it becomes time. I do not know when that will necessarily be but it will be soon._

"Is there any way of negotiating for you to tell me?"

_Absolutely not._

"I can accept that. Just bring me the soul."

* * *

**Author's Note: Sorry I left off right here. This chapter is just so big that I have to split it up. The Next Two chapters are actually going to be continuations on this one. **

**Also, sorry about the way Meenah talks. It just looks too formal. I also realized that I am horrible at fish puns, so yeah...**


	8. Chapter 7 Chapter 2

**Author's note: Okay, so here's the second installment of Chapter 7. Wow, this is starting to sound like real Homestuck with the **

**Chapter Chapters. Anyway, here it is so enjoy and review your thoughts. I would like to hear what you think about it so far.**

* * *

Seizure

**Somewhere near the Green Sun…**

A group of ghosts gather to welcome a new arrival into their dream bubble. One of them walks up to the new ghost and begins to introduce himself. _Begins _to.

The new ghost is Dave. The past four days have been the happiest of his…uh…[after]life. He has no more worries, all of his problems are gone, and he can go places he'd never previously thought.

But he thought he was done with Karkat. No, here Karkat is, welcoming him to the dream bubble. Like, did he seriously forget about their kismesissitude, or is he just happy Dave is dead?

There is also something different about Karkat. He seems to have grown a foot in the past few days. Is that normal for trolls? Dave doesn't really care, but he sees Vriska and…well…something rather embarrassing happens. Not even ghosts knew it was possible…

Then he feels a hand grab his arm. He jumps but it keeps its hold. He looks and there is nothing there. The next thing he knows he's on his way across paradox space into another dream bubble. There is an entire civilization of…humans? inside this one. He is dragged through a crowd around what appears to be a hospital and into a room.

His afterlife has just been ruined.

"Okay, now put him back in the body."

What?

**Back to where we left off, which is just where we left off except talking more in accordance to DJ…**

_Nope._

"You said you'd help. Now put the soul back in the body."

_Which soul?_

"Do you mean 'which soul'," he asks, pointing at Dave.

_There are billions of souls in this dream bubble._

"uh this soul has a name"

"Not now, Dave."

_How many times are you going to go back and forth like this?_

"Like what?"

_You know between me and them?_

"Until you put Dave back in his body and get us the hell out of here."

"until who puts dave back in his body" Dave asks in that common human third person tone.

"I'm not talking to you."

"then who are you talking to"

_Youre talking to me._

"We've already been through this same exact thing," Myrtle tells Dave. "He 'isn't' talking to any of us."

"I know I'm talking to you," DJ continues his conversation.

_Then tell them._

"No."

_You are stubborn._

"So I've been told. Now put Dave back in his body."

_No._

"Why the fuck not?"

_Because you didn't ask nicely._

"Really? You are wanting me to ask nicely when you never do anything nicely?"

_Yes._

"who exactly is he talking to" Dave asks Myrtle.

"Not you, now shut up."

"We have no idea," Sarah tells Dave, "he's been going on like this for an hour."

_Ask nicely._

"Alright. _Please _put the gog damn soul back in its gog damn body."

_I dont think so._

"Why not?"

_I never said i would put it back in the body. I only said i would bring it here._

**Author: Don't you just love how Dave is apparently no longer a he or a she, but instead is an 'it' now?**

"I don't care what you said. I need help and you are going to provide it."

"But i dont want to go back in the body"

_There you have it. Dave doesn't want to go back in the body._

"I don't fucking care. I will do it myself if I have to." DJ goes over and grabs Dave's cape and pulls him to the bed.

"whoa dude watch the cape"

"Dave, get back in your body."

_Great job doing that on your own._

"no"

"What?"

"i said im not going back in the body"

"Dave, I don't care about what you want. You WILL go back into your body. Do you understand that?"

"yes i understand it perfectly but im not going to do it"

"Why not?"

"because im much happier dead"

"Much happier? You've been dead for four days. Look at everyone around you."

"okay"

"They have all been dead for trillions of years. This is the most exciting thing that's happened since then."

"really"

"Yes."

"more exciting than english shattering reality looking for someone who is at—"

"Dave, don't finish that sentence."

"the university"

"Damn it, Dave. Now the Page probably knows where she is."

"fuck the page if english stops destroying reality because of it then fine everything is alright"

"No, everything is not alright. English will still destroy even if he destroys his sister. Do you not understand that?"

"i understand that perfectly but at least he wont do it out of rage"

"Dave, get in the body now."

"no"

"Yes"

"no"

"Do it now."

"no"

"At least do it for Callie. You know she has a crush on you."

"shell learn to cope without me"

A pause. "You are a cold, heartless bastard. No wonder Jake turned on everyone. He finally had enough of you."

Dave may now apply cool water to the area of the burn.

But seriously though, that wasn't cool. That was low. Really low. Ever since that day, Dave has been depressed. He wouldn't let anyone see it. And now, it's being placed back on him again. He'd finally escaped and now it's back.

"have you ever thought that maybe thats why i did this in the first place"

"What," DJ asks in a surprised tone. He'd never thought of Dave to be the one to be depressed.

"you heard me"

"What do you mean?"

"i created a monster and paid the price"

"I don't understand."

"i am useless a complete disaster waiting to happen i wouldve been more helpful if i joined english myself"

"Dave, what are you talking about?"

"i contribute nothing to paradoxspace perhaps i shouldve just gone far enough to summon english and have myself completely obliterated seeing as i somehow indirectly bring destruction to wherever i go i couldve indirectly permanently ended my sad pathetic life and stop bringing destruction everywhere else indirectly"

"Dave, please. You are much more important than you think"

"how"

"I can't say. The Horrorterrors won't tell me."

"why would they want me alive i gave rise to englishs most powerful servant"

"No, English himself gave rise to his most powerful servant. He kept secretly contacting Jake and brainwashing him. He taught him many things to make him extremely powerful. The fact that you were there when Jake rose as the Page is a complete coincidence."

"YOU WOULDN'T THINK THAT IF YOU WERE THERE TO WITNESS IT."

"Karkat, what the fuck—how are you—what?

"YOU POCKET-DIALED ME. YOUR PHONE IS ALSO ON SPEAKER SO I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING. SERIOUSLY THOUGH, WHO EXACTLY WERE YOU TALKING TO?"

"None of your business. Now, hang up."

"NO."

"Hang up now, Karkat. Or else."

"OR ELSE WHAT? YOU'LL GIVE ME A DETENTION? SERIOUSLY, I KNOW YOU'RE THE FUCKING CHANCELLOR AND ALL, BUT ISN'T GETTING AFTER SOMEONE FOR NOT HANGING UP A LITTLE PETTY?"

"Or else I'll make sure that you and Kankri have to share a room."

"YOU CAN DO THAT?"

"Yes. And I will happily do that if you don't hang up."

"FINE. JUST DON'T BRING THAT FUCKASS BACK. I DON'T CARE HOW 'IMPORTANT' HE SUPPOSEDLY IS." Karkat hangs up the phone.

"see i told you i gave rise to page"

"No, you didn't. Stop saying you did."

_He cant truthfully say he didnt if he actually did._

"I thought you left this conversation."

_You thought wrong._

"How powerful are you, exactly?"

_Powerful enough to get inside your mind. _

The voice is right. Somehow the Page did manage to get inside DJ's mind and talk to him there. Could he also be making Dave say all these things?

_Absolutely not. Dave is saying all that by his own will. And he means every bit of it._

"Shut up. Dave, I will drag your pathetic soul and body back to campus and have Ms. Peixes beat the living shit out of both until you submit and agree."

"oh im so afraid of her"

"You should be."

"perhaps youve forgotten that ive talked to her numerous times she doesnt scare me at all"

"Okay. We'll just see about that." He turns to his parents. "Mom, dad, maybe Sarah, can you pick up the body on the bed right here and follow me?" He grabs Dave's arm and starts to drag him against his own will. Dave tries to fight back, but DJ is just too strong.

The three Hyperbeings follow DJ and Dave out of the hospital and over to the square. The crowd clears a path for them and follows them. Hyperbeings aren't a very strong race, even as ghosts, so the three struggle to carry Dave's body.

In the square, DJ calls for any Horrorterror in reach to take them back to the university. Because Dave seems to be breaking free of his grip, DJ puts him into a headlock, effectively holding him in place. He's learned a lot about fighting after running a university for a few million years.

A Horrorterror uses its psiionic abilities to pick them up, along with a little bit of air to breathe. After it gets hold of them it quickly accelerates to faster than the speed of light. They make it back to the university in about two days.

The Horrorterror's shadow moves across the campus. In every building students and professors alike hang out the windows to see what's happening. They all applaud when they see that the Chancellor is on the back of the Horrorterror, holding a boy…by the neck?

Aranea, Meenah, and a few others go out to the main courtyard and wait while the Horrorterror lands, allowing all of its passengers to step off its back, except for Dave's body. It's dead so it can't walk. It has to be carried off instead.

"Thank gog you found him," Aranea says. She's happy until she sees the body lying in the grass. "What the—fuck?!"

"oh my glub" says Meenah, surprised at the condition of the body, "this is a whole lot worse than you described"

"Well, it's been a couple days since then."

"but still"

"can you just let me go and leave you all alone forever" Dave asks.

"Absolutely not," DJ replies.

"I THOUGHT I SAID TO NOT BRING HIM BACK HERE."

"just for that i think ill stay"

"Both of you, shut it! I'm tired of all the constant arguing."

"THEN LET HIM GO."

"Karkat, don't raise your voice at me."

"OR WHAT?"

"Or what I said the last time we talked. That's what. Now hold Dave in place."

"no"

"IT SEEMS WE ARE AT A STALEMATE."

"No, it seems like you are spending a while with your favorite housemate."

"FINE." Dave was handed over to Karkat, who placed him in a stranglehold. He figures that since Dave's already dead, a little bit of strangling can't hurt. It also acts like a great stress reliever. I know this from experience.

Dave tries to fight back but without prevail. Trolls are stronger than humans, even if the human is a ghost. Ghosts tend to not pass through solid objects outside of their home universes. Screw physics.

Meenah circles the body, studying it from every angle. "we can try to force the soul back in but i dont think itll work"

"there is no way im going back to life i like being dead"

"And why is that?"

"there are no responsibilities you dont have to worry about anything you can do whatever you want yada yada yada"

"Meenah, perhaps it would 8e a good idea to call down Professor English? He knows how to do things like this."

"he knows how to do everything"

"WE KNOW. YOU SAY THAT ALL THE FREAKING TIME. IT'S LIKE YOU HAVE SOME SORT OF A CRUSH ON HIM."

"you know i only have red feelings for you."

"THE FEELINGS AREN'T MUTUAL."

"yea i forgot you like that john kid right there"

"do you really have to bring that up, meenah?

"no but i wanted to 38)"

"Okay, enough with all of this. Aranea, call Professor English down here."

(Now would also be a good time to play_ Elevatorstuck_ on your iPod or iPhone or whatever you can play it on while we're waiting on Professor English.)

(…If he even shows up…)

(…What the ever-loving fuck is taking him so long?!)

**_Hold on, let me check up on him._**

** Meanwhile, in the Language Department…**

Aranea arrives at the building. She is denied entry because of lockdown. "I don't care a8out lockdown. Professor English is needed elsewhere."

"Sorry Ms. Serket, but we cannot allow anyone to enter or leave," says one of the guards at the doors.

"Please, just let him out."

"No can do."

"The sooner you let him out, the sooner we can get of lockdown." Everyone begin to chant to let Professor English out. They all chant, "WE WANT OUT!" You would too if you were in a building on lockdown for a week, trapped in one room, no access to a bathroom to do your business in…you understand what's being said.

"Come on people just let me out already," a voice calls from above. It is immediately recognized as the professor's. "obviously they need me so let me the fuck out."

"We'd rather you jump," says a guard.

"Thats suicide absolutely not!"

"Then you can stay up there."

Professor English leaves the window. He walks over to his desk in the front of the room. The classroom itself is only about the size of a large high school classroom because there are only a few students enrolled at the university that actually take any alien language classes.

"Oh for fuck's sake this is absurd," he says to himself, even though there is an entire class right there witnessing it. "Im going."

He unlocks the door, tells all of his students to stay put, and leaves. No one tries to stop him. No one even questions it. The lights flicker in the hallway as he walks. It makes for an eerie sight, but they've been on for seven days straight without being shut off to recharge. It's a wonder how they haven't completely burned out by now. He walks down three flights of stairs into the basement. Once he gets to the farthest wall in the farthest room, he jumps up and lightly taps a brick, so lightly that he barely even touches it at all.

The contact, ever so slight as it is, is enough to trigger a reaction from a few other bricks. They disappear to reveal a tunnel just slightly larger than a human as soon as he steps in, the wall closes. He creates a ball of fire in his hands because, well, that's what heroes of flame can do. It's really unnecessary because of the eternally lit torches lining the walls, but it looks cool and feels 'cool' so that's what he's doing.

Though he never really did have a fondness for Dave either, he, like everyone else, is desperate to end this torture known as lockdown. So right now, he doesn't care if he gets caught.

**_Here, I found him, he's on his way._**

(Thank Gog!)

**_It's still a pretty good time to keep up with the Elevatorstuck though._**

****(Just as long as he gets here.)

**Back around Dave's body.**

After about ten rounds or so of _Elevatorstuck, _Professor English finally arrives—with guards hot on his trail.

"We dont have much time to do anything so ill try to speed this along" he shouts.

"What's wrong," asks Sarah.

"He was caught sneaking out 8y a couple of the guards!"

"I'll handle them. Just get over here and see what you can do," DJ shouts back.

Professor English and Aranea get back to the body. He kneels down to get a closer look. Meanwhile, DJ is heading over to intercept the guards and get them to turn back.

"Hmm,"

"hmm whats hmm" Meenah asks.

"Hmm is i dont think theres anything we can do to bring him back to life."

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN 'NOTHING WE CAN DO,'" asks Karkat, still holding Dave in a stranglehold with Dave desperately trying, and failing, to escape.

"I mean hes probably too far gone."

"What do you mean 'too far gone,'" asks Sarah.

"Ill show you. Can somebody hand me, uh, something to point with," Professor English stutters.

* * *

"It's okay, everything's alright," DJ desperately tries to persuade the guards. "I personally requested him to come out here."

"Sir, he is breaking school code. No one goes in, or out, during lockdown."

"Then why is it that John, Karkat, Terezi, Rose, and Tavros all came out here? And then, after that, when I got back, Ms. Serket and Ms. Peixes?"

"They were specially called."

"Just like Professor English."

"No, not like Professor English."

"I called for him, just like I called for the others."

"The others were summoned with valid forms of writing accompanying their summons."

"Okay, how's this for writing?" DJ gives the guards the middle fingers on both his hands, a human custom in which he knows next to nothing about, and sends the guards away. He thinks it means something like "let me screw you," or something like that. The guards must think the same thing because they want no part of it.

* * *

"Now as you can see here around the mouth," Professor English continues explaining to the small peanut gallery, "these grooves mean that the body is rapidly decaying. In paradox-space decay happens not only more rapidly but from the inside out unlike in a universe where it happens at normal pace and all around."

"Okay, the guards are all taken care of," DJ says as he approaches the group.

Professor English continues, "Because of this its hard to tell exactly what shape the insides of the body are in. Because if they are actually in relatively good condition and this is just the vacuum of paradox-space getting to the body then it is possible to bring him back to life but it isnt going to be as easy as putting the soul back in as ms peixes here thinks."

"how"

"Well first of all the soul will not fit into a body smaller than it unless it is a master contortionist. Secondly the soul is a powerhouse for the major organs like the heart and the brain. After we get the soul back in if we do get it to fit well have to shock the heart back to life then hopefully the rush of oxygen to the brain and jolt of electricity will jumpstart it as well."

_Well i do believe the time to pay up comes closer…_

"What, who said that?"

"Who said what," Myrtle asks.

"oh great hes starting this up again"

"What" asks Professor English, "is he starting up again?"

_If only they knew but you are just too stubborn to tell them._

"How did you get into my head when I'm on campus?"

_Easily look around. I think youll understand why._

DJ looks around. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Who's he talking to," Professor English asks.

"No one knows," replies Walt. "He did this inside the dream bubble too. But, 'this doesn't concern you, so shut up.'"

"Did you tell me to shut up?"

"No, I told them to shut up," DJ says. "He's just mocking me for it."

_Hehe this is actually pretty funny. You sure do know how to entertain someone deej._

"What, now you can speak Hyperbein?

_No I just remembered that from your mother freaking out over you in the square. Now look around and youll see._

"I'll see what?" He looks around, and just beyond everyone stands a man wearing a Felt Green suit with the trim and buttons flashing several different colors. His eyes also flash billiard balls in the same sequence as Lord English. On his left shoulder is a little insignia in the shape of the destruction symbol. On his right shoulder is an insignia in the shape of the Wings of Hope, representing his old aspect before he was bumped up to Master Title by paradox-space.

_Hello deej._ It appears to mouth the words, with them being spoken directly into DJ's head.

"How di—did you—yo-" he faints.

"DJ," Myrtle cries out.

"What happened," asks Professor English.

"well obviously he fainted" Meenah replies.

"I know that, but why?"

"i dont know do i look like a doctor"

"I need someone down here to take the chancellor to the hospital," Aranea says in her walkie-talkie. In a matter of minutes an ambulance arrives and picks him up.

"Okay," says Myrtle, "what are we going to do about this body, though?"

"There may be a way to fit the soul inside" Professor English continues explaining, "Because humans like myself are organic life forms we are built up of tiny organisms called cells. When cells dehydrate they shrink up. If we put the body in a pool of water given that the water is cold enough to slow decomposition and osmosis does its job the body can possibly swell up to twice the size it is now which would give just enough room to fit daves soul in. The only down side is that its never been done before and we don't know if any organs are still intact. After fitting the soul inside we can shock the heart and brain and possibly force dave back to life."

"I say it's worth a try," Aranea seconds the motion.

"i say im still better off dead"

"Thats just depression talking. We can put you into therapy with a hero of dream" says Professor English. "Heroes of dream have been and always will be the best psychiatrists. They can enter your brain and clean and clear your thoughts and make you happy again."

"i say we go for it" Meenah thirds the motion. Everyone else agrees to try it except for Dave himself, who cannot be shaken from his belief that he deserves to be dead and is better off this way.

"Dave i cant agree enough with you that you deserve to be dead" Professor English tells him. "I dont think karkat can agree with you enough either."

"I CAN'T."

"But youre just too important to be dead at the current time." Professor English turns to a couple guards who came with the ambulance. "aldkjgqarthoaerihja;ldkgja;lkhqerithjk~!"

"what language is that," John asks.

"Its one that is hardly ever heard anymore and youll learn a little of it next year if you decide to take my class again."

"What did you say to them," Rose asks.

"I told them to take Dave's body and put it in a cold pool of water. Then I told them to take Dave back to his house and make sure he doesn't go anywhere until we're ready."

"woah no dude not cool you cant just keep me under house arrest"

"Im sorry dave but it has to be done. We dont want you running away." With all that the guards came and took the body away. They then picked up dave and carried him by his arms and legs back to his house in the male Village of Time.

"Okay, so what do we do now," Rose asks Aranea.

"We get this place off lockdown and get everyone 8ack to their hives. Then we give them all a week off of classes to compensate for the week 8eing trapped in them."


	9. Chapter 7 Chapter 3

**Author's Note: So, you're all probably wondering why John didn't freak out when Meenah brought up Karkat's red feelings for him—**

**Karkat: NO THEY AREN'T.**

**Author: Shut up, KK. Anyway, this is the chapter chapter that tells what happened during the whole ordeal with Dave.**

**Karkat: CAN WE JUST GO ON TO CHAPTER EIGHT ALREADY?**

**Author: Not yet.**

* * *

For Whom the Bucket Tolls

Karkat couldn't be more emotionless than he was now. He was happy for Dave's death, which caused him great joy, but he was also sad for it because it meant he lost his Kismesis, which caused him great sorrow, but nowhere near as much as the joy. He was also sad because John currently wants nothing to do with him, filling in the rest of the sadness, enough to cancel out the joy, leaving him completely emotionless. Suddenly his iGrub beeps…

[By way of sheer omniscience, I know now isn't a good time.]

CG: AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD?

[Please, Karkat, let's not get into an argument.]

CG: WHY? ISN'T TAT WHAT YOU DO BEST? YOU START FIGHTS?

[I only follow my orders. Now, on to what this conversation is all about-]

CG: I KNOW WHAT IT'S ABOUT. YOU WANT TO GET ME TO RANT ABOUT MY QUADRANTS!

[It does seem to be working, though I haven't done anything to trigger it.]

CG: THEN WHY ARE YOU TROLLING ME?

[Because though I might be but a vessel for the powerful demon you hope to kill, I am a sucker when it comes down to the quadrants.]

CG: LIKE I SAID A FEW LINES ABOVE,

[Please, Karkat, if you continue on like this you'll end up like Dave.]

CG: I AM NOT SUICIDAL!

[No, if you don't stop walking you'll literally walk off the campus in about thirty feet.]

CG: …OH

CG: I DIDN'T KNOW IT ACTUALLY HAS AN EDGE. I JUST THOUGHT THAT NOTIFICATION WAS MEANT TO BE FUNNY.

[And?]

CG: IT WAS.

[Now that that's out of the way, we need to talk about your quadrants.]

CG: NO.

[Please, if we did, you may have more confidence.]

CG: MAY HAVE OR WILL?!

[I am not at liberty to discuss that. I can only discuss your relationship with the human.]

CG: HE'S DEAD. THERE IS NO MORE RELATIONSHIP TO DISCUSS.

[Not that human.]

Karkat knew exactly who he was talking about. He just wanted to stay clear of the topic.

[You'll never know until you talk to him about it.]

CG: NO. I'M PERFECTLY FINE WITH THE WAY EVERYTHING IS NOW.

[Karkat, we both know about your "fantasies.")

CG: SHH! DON'T TELL ANYONE ABOUT THOSE!

[I won't have to. They will all be revealed, albeit indirectly, but they will.]

CG: WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT MEN?!

[Does that…men?]

CG: IT WAS A FREUDIAN SLIP!

[Mm hm.]

CG: I SWEAR TO GOG IT WAS!

[Karkat, I am omniscient. You can't hide anything from me. You and I both know that. Now, back to discussing your quadrantal status with the human heir-]

Karkat shuts off his iGrub. Why did Scratch have to be so annoying? Karkat definitely liked him better dead, even if he was Lord English. Seriously, the guy was a snob, acting like he knows everything. Wait, he does know everything. But he still acts like a snob.

He walks back into his hive. He heads up to his respiteblock, where Kankri sits in wait at Karkat's desk.

"Well, I had a perfectly g99d serm9n ready f9r y9u when y9u g9t 6ack, 6ut I d9n't think—"

"KANKRI, NOW ISN'T THE TIME FOR YOUR HUMAN MOTOR-MOUTH."

"My…what?"

"I DON'T KNOW. THE HUMANS CALL IT A MOTOR-MOUTH. IT'S A PERSON THAT NEVER SHUTS UP, JUST LIKE YOU!"

"6ut, I th9ught y9u enj9yed my serm9ns."

"NO, I DON'T. YOU DRAG THEM OUT FOR AS LONG AS YOU POSSIBLY FUCKING CAN, AND I'M LEFT WITH ABSOLUTELY NO TIME TO DO ANYTHING! YOU ARE A SELFISH, STUCK UP, HORRIBLE SNOB WHO LOVES THE SOUND OF HIS OWN VOICE AND CARES NOTHING ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE! I NEVER ENJOYED YOUR SERMONS!"

"…"

"IT ONLY SEEMED LIKE I WAS LISTENING BECAUSE I WAS IN SHOCK BY HOW MUCH ONE PERSON COULD POSSIBLY GO ON ABOUT ONE SUBJECT AND THEN TRANSITION ONTO ANOTHER WITHOUT THE SO-CALLED 'LISTENER' EVEN NOTICING! YOU ARE PATHETIC AND I HATE YOU!"

"Y9u c9uld have just said s9mething instead of d9ing this. I w9uld have accepted a nice, sincere, face-t9-face, civilized c9nversation."

"SEE? THERE YOU GO, ANTAGONIZING EVERYONE ELSE INSTEAD OF TAKING THE BLAME FOR YOURSELF! JUST GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!"

"6ut—"

"I SAID GO, KANKRI!" Tears begin to swell up in Kankri's eyes. Karkat was one of his best friends, or so he thought, and now it seems like he's turning his back on him. "Fine. If y9u d9n't want t9 talk a69ut what y9u're g9ing thr9ugh and get 9ver things, then I h9pe y9u live 9ut the rest 9f y9ur life al9ne, wishing y9u w9uld have talked a69ut everything and res9lved y9ur pr96lems. Y9u 9nly have 9ne chance at true life. Make the m9st 9f it, Karkat." With that, he walked away, tears streaming down his face and burying it in his hands. He locks himself in his respiteblock for the next few days, without reporting or calling off from work.

But now, we are only five minutes after this occurrence. Karkat is just pissed off at himself like he usually is. His earlier conversation with Doc Scratch left him completely emotional. Now he can't even think straight, and he's pretty sure he just destroyed the one person left who he feels comfortable talking to, even if the former can get carried away easily. One week into his school year and it's already become the worst thing imaginable.

However, he has heard things about a massive schoolwide party that's coming up here in a few weeks. He can't remember what everyone called it, but it was supposedly the absolute best celebration in paradox-space. Maybe that can get his self-whatever-the-humans-call-it back up.

And just like clockwork, he gets a message on his crabtop, except it isn't one who he expected to hear from.

- undyingUmbrage [uu] began jeering carcinoGenesis [CG] at 16:00 -

uu: I HAVE A PROPOSITION FOR YOU.

CG: NOT NOW, FUCKASS!

uu: WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM? I GO OUT OF MY WAY TO OFFER YOU THE CHANCE OF A FUCKING LIFETIME AND THIS IS HOW YOU FUCKING RESPOND?!

uu: NO!

CG: WHY WOULD I WANT TO TAKE A FUCKING PROPOSAL FROM YOU ANYWAY? YOU'RE COMPLETELY EVIL YOU JERK!

uu: BECAUSE WE AREN'T SO DIFFERENT YOU AND I. WE BOTH ARE FILLED WITH HATRED. WE BOTH CAN FIND ROMANCE NOWHERE WE LOOK.

CG: I KNOW YOU DIDN'T JUST GO THERE!

uu: GO WHERE?

CG: ROMANCE.

uu: WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

CG: MY QUADRANT LIFE IS PERFECTLY FINE! THERE IS NO REASON FOR YOU OR ANYONE ELSE TO BUTT IN ON IT!

uu: THAT REMINDS ME, SCRATCH TOLD ME ABOUT YOUR QUADRANTS AND ALL THAT. I WOULD SUGGEST TALKING TO THE BOY WITH THE HIDEOUSLY OBVIOUS OVERBITE. HE MIGHT ACCEPT.

CG: AND HE MIGHT NOT! DO YOU EVER LOOK AT THE NEGATIVE OUTCOME OF THINGS?!

uu: TROLL, I'M **LORD FUCKING ENGLISH**. I DON'T HAVE TO LOOK AT THE NEGATIVE SIDE OF THINGS BECAUSE EVERYTHING ALWAYS WORKS OUT WELL FOR ME IN THE END. I HAVE INEVITABILITY ON MY SIDE.

uu: EITHER WAY, YOU HAVE A 50/50 SHOT AT EVERYTHING WORKING OUT.

CG: BUT HE "ISN'T A HOMOSEXUAL!"

CG: OH MY GOD, I'M COMING OUT TO YOU ABOUT MY QUADRANT LIFE. HOW LOW CAN I SET THIS METAPHORICAL BAR FOR GUIDANCE?

uu: ACTUALLY I STARTED JEERING YOU. YOU DIDN'T START TROLLING ME, OR WHATEVER IT IS THAT YOU DESPICABLE CREATURES DO.

uu: YES, I'M EVIL, SO SUE ME IF I EVER TRY TO HELP OUT WITH SOMETHING. BESIDES, FOR THE ENTIRE DURATION OF OUR CONTACT, I HAVE BEEN PINPOINTING THE LOCATION OF THE SCHOOL, SO I KIND OF HELPED BOTH OF US.

CG: HOW IS THAT HELPING?

uu: I HAVE REASON TO BELIEVE THAT MY HIDEOUS SISTER RESIDES THERE, AND I'VE BEEN HELPING YOU TO REGAIN YOUR PATHETIC CONFIDENCE TO TALK TO THE EGBERT HUMAN. ISN'T HE LIKE, THE BIOLOGICAL CHILD OF ONE OF MY SERVANTS?

CG: HOW THE FUCK SHOULD I KNOW? I DIDN'T KEEP TRACK OF THEIR ECTOBIOLOGY SHIT.

Okay, this is outrageous. Karkat seriously doesn't need this guy bothering him, but what can he do? English is powerful. He would still probably find a way to bother him. Oh well. He thinks about making an excuse.

CG: YOU KNOW, I THINK I AM GOING TO GO TALK TO JOHN.

uu: GOOD. BUT DON'T THINK ABOUT HIDING ANYTHING FROM ME. SCRATCH WILL INFORM ME ABOUT EVERYTHING.

Well, fuck. There goes his brilliant plan. Now he has to talk to John.

CG: WHY EXACTLY ARE YOU DOING THIS?

uu: I FEEL LIKE AT LEAST YOU DESERVE SOME SORT OF HAPPINESS BEFORE I COME AND DESTROY EVERYTHING YOU LOVE, INCLUDING YOU.

CG: OH, YOU'RE SO KIND…

uu: I KNOW. YOUR COMPLIMENT IS GREATLY APPRECIATED.

CG: ARE YOU BEING SERIOUS? I CAN'T TELL OVER TEXT.

uu: I'M NOT. I DO NOT LIKE COMPLIMENTS. AND I KNOW I'M NOT KIND OR GENEROUS.

CG: WHATEVER.

CG: I'M OUT.

- carcinoGenesis [CG] has ceased being jeered by undyingUmbrage [uu] -

uu: YOU BETTER NOT TRY ANYTHING!

uu: WHO AM I TALKING TO?

uu: SERIOUSLY, WHAT AM I STILL DOING ON THIS THING? IT ISN'T LIKE YOU'RE GOING TO REPLY.

uu: OH WELL…I GUESS I'M GOING TO GET OFF NOW.

- undyingUmbrage [uu] exited jeerchum –

Great. Now what is Karkat supposed to do? English is already pissed because he was almost killed by him and his friends. He didn't need to piss him off even more. He had heard that English makes some of his victims' deaths slow and painful. Yeah, this isn't a very good conversation for Karkat.

- carcinoGenesis [CG] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB] at 16:30 -

CG: WAIT, HOW LONG DO I HAVE TO TALK TO JOHN?

EB: what?

CG: SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! SHIT!

EB: karkat, what are you talking about?

CG: NOTHING!

EB: how long do you have to talk to me about what?

CG: I FUCKING SAID NOTHING!

EB: karkat, i may appear gullible, but i know when something's up. don't try to hide anything from me. ever.

CG: …

CG: …

CG: ENGLISH WANTS ME TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT SOMETHING.

EB: our alien languages professor wants you to talk to me? …really? is that the best excuse you can think of?

CG: NO, NOT THAT ENGLISH.

EB: well the only other englishes i can think of are…karkat! why are you talking to him?

CG: NO, HE CONTACTED ME. I HAD NO CHOICE BUT TO TALK!

EB: karkat, i am still fucking mad at you for what you did earlier today. now is not the fucking time to fucking joke around with me.

EB: you were a horrible friend back there. a person fucking died and all you could do was laugh and laugh and celebrate. i hate you karkat. i really do right now.

CG: …WHAT?

EB: you can read.

CG: YOU DON'T REALLY MEAN THAT? DO YOU?

EB: yes. all of it. karkat, i don't have a bad bone in my body, and i thought it was impossible for me to actually hate someone or something.

CG: OKAY, I DON'T SEE WHERE THIS IS GOING.

EB: but you proved me wrong.

CG: WHAT?

EB: you proved to me that i can actually hate someone. that someone just so happens to be you.

Great, here come the water works with Karkat.

CG: BUT…YOU KNOW HOW I AM…

EB: yes, and i could handle that. but you crossed the line with dave. i'm sorry but i don't think we can be friends anymore.

CG: JOHN, YOU DON'T REALLY MEAN THAT…I-I MEAN…I DON'T KNOW WHAT I MEAN…I JUST…

EB: it's over, karkat. just forget everything.

CG: BUT…I…I HAVE SOMETHING THAT I NEED TO TELL YOU…

- ectoBiologist [EB] shut blocked carcinoGenesis [CG] -

Karkat himself bursts into tears.

- undyingUmbrage [uu] began jeering carcinoGenesis [CG] at 16:50 -

uu: WELL, HOW DID IT GO?

- carcinoGenesis blocked undyingUmbrage [uu] -

[Well, by the way that you look, it doesn't take omniscience to know that it didn't go so well.]

- carcinoGenesis [CG] blocked [This person] as well -

He just needs to be left the fuck alone for a little while while he slowly cries himself to sleep, hoping to never wake up again. But he wouldn't be so lucky.

**The next morning…**

- uranianUmbra [UU] began cheering carcinoGenesis [CG] at 10:15 -

UU: so, how did yoUr conversation with john go? i hope it went well.

CG: HOW DID YOU FIND OUT ABOUT THAT?

UU: SURPRISE.

CG: WHAT THE FUCK?! HOW?

UU: I KNOW HER ACCOUNT PASSWORD. SERIOUSLY, SHE SHOULDN'T USE HER BLOOD COLOR HEX CODE AS THE PASSWORD. IT'S JUST TOO EASY.

CG: IT WENT NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS. THAT'S HOW!

UU: CALM YOUR METAPHORIC TITS. SCRATCH TOLD ME EVERYTHING.

CG: LET ME FUCKING GUESS: YOU SET UP EVERYTHING FOR FAILURE.

UU: ACTUALLY, THIS WAS NOT MY DOING. I DON'T HANDLE PERSONAL SITUATIONS. FOR THAT, YOU'LL HAVE TO TALK TO THE JAKE HUMAN.

CG: THE JAKE HUMAN? WHO THE FUCK IS THAT?

UU: YOU SERIOUSLY DON'T KNOW WHO THE PAGE OF DESTRUCTION IS? EVEN AFTER YOU MET HIM PERSONALLY? AND HAD A LITTLE ONE NIGHT STAND WITH HIM?

CG: SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT MY PERSONAL LIFE! AND I KNOW WHO THE PAGE IS.

-golgothasTerror [GT] began pestering carcinoGenesis [CG] and uranianUmbra [UU] at 10:55 -

GT: I sensed i was being talked about.

UU: YES, I WAS JUST SAYING THAT KARKAT SHOULD TALK TO YOU.

GT: Karkat? No.

CG: WHY NOT? AFRAID OF A LITTLE FOUL LANGUAGE? AFRAID OF GETTING YOUR FEELINGS HURT?

GT: No, i just never did like your attitude.

CG: SO THEN I GUESS THAT CONFIRMS IT.

GT: Confirms what?

UU: HE THINKS YOU MAY HAVE STACKED HIS CONVERSATION WITH THE EGBERT HUMAN TO FAIL MISERABLY.

GT: No, i would be lying to say that i did. I didn't have any clue about a conversation between the two. What was it about?

UU: OH, YOU KNOW, QUADRANTS.

GT: Ooh, karkat, are you whispering sweet nothings to john through trollian?

CG: CAN I SAY I ATTEMPTED?

GT: It all depends: did it work?

CG: HE FUCKING HATES ME.

GT: Oh. Well, i don't know how to respond to that.

GT: Maybe it would help to try again?

CG: HE FUCKING BLOCKED THE HELL OUT OF ME!

CG: HE EVEN WENT ON TO RANT ABOUT HOW I MADE IT POSSIBLE FOR HIM TO HATE SOMEONE OR SOMETHING.

CG: I…I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT TO FUCKING DO ANYMORE.

GT: Well, i guess i could give you the password to my pesterchum account and you can contact him like that.

CG: AFTER YOU DESTROYED THE SESSION HE BLOCKED YOU.

GT: Oh. Well, now i don't know what to do.

UU: THE USERNAME FOR CALLIOPE'S ACCOUNT IS OBVIOUSLY HER CHEERHANDLE, AND HER PASSWORD IS "2ed73a". YOU CAN CONTACT HIM THAT WAY.

CG: NO. HE'LL KNOW IT'S ME AND WON'T LISTEN. I JUST…I GIVE UP…

- carcinoGenesis [CG] slammed his crabtop too hard and broke it -

**Over at John's house…**

John wakes up knowing that today will be a good day. He no longer has Karkat looming over his shoulders, not like he actually was for the past few days. But today won't be good in the normal sense. Today will be horrible because Dave is still missing. Today will be good because now there is one less person for John to worry about. He decides to pester Rose for her thoughts on this entire thing.

He opens up his laptop and logs into pesterchum. He sees he already has a message from someone, but the icon isn't one he recognizes, though it does look familiar. He opens the log.

- golgothasTerror [GT] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB] at 11:15 -

GT: Well i can see that you're back to hurting peoples feelings.

EB: what are you talking about?

EB: and who are you?

GT: John im extremely offended that you dont remember me.

EB: kankri?

GT: …No.

EB: then i'm stumped.

John just can't remember who GT is. He figures it's probably obvious who it is. He must have met him or her, or talked to him or her at some point for him or her to know who he is.

GT: Liv tyler…

EB: uh…

Processing…

Processing…

Processing…

EB: yea that doesn't ring a bell.

GT: Really?

EB: yea, sorry.

GT: John its me jake.

EB: what?

GT: you don't remember me?

EB: no.

GT: Youre one of my grandmothers best friends.

A sudden realization passes over John. This is Jake, the same Jake who went rogue and destroyed almost everything, the same Jake that who became Lord English's most powerful servant…the same Jake that no one could ever hate.

EB: i'm going to block you now.

GT: No. Not until we talk.

EB: what's there left to talk about?! you ruined everything!

GT: You and karkat.

EB: what?

GT: Yes. You need to talk to karkat. You really did hurt him last night when he you two chatted.

EB: well good. he deserves it.

GT: No he doesnt. Now is a hard time for him.

EB: well i guess that's not really my problem now is it.

GT: No but he did consider you as his best friend. Now you decide to go off and ruin the last of what is left of his happiness.

EB: i don't fucking care. he shouldn't have acted the way that he did when dave died.

EB: and why do you fucking care? you're evil, remember?

GT: That is true but i myself was in a pickle when it came down to romance.

EB: what?

GT: Yes john. Karkat likes you or at least he did before you ripped his heart out and smashed the shit out of it with a sledgehammer last night.

GT: He said he needed to talk to you and you kept on rambling about how horrible of a person he is.

GT: He cried himself to sleep last night because of you.

GT: You cold heartless son of a bitch.

GT: The sopor slime in his recuperacoon is ruined and has to be replaced because of all the salty tears contaminating it now.

GT: Do you know how much sopor slime costs?

EB: no.

GT: It costs a fucking fortune. And it isnt the absolute easiest thing to make.

**Down the hall…**

A young troll that looks a lot like a beloved dead character in Homestuck gets dressed and heads out before John realizes he's up. After John blocked Karkat, John went over to him and started ranting about how much of a dick Karkat is. He just has to leave.

He hears John shouting at his computer. He figures Karkat probably found a way to get around John's block like all the trolls usually did. Now is his chance to escape before John even considers waking him up to rant to him about whatever.

He walks out the door, no, runs out the door. The streets are empty and he remembers that the school was placed on lockdown. All of the students who were inside the actual class and office buildings, which can be seen off slightly in the distance, are trapped, save a few humans and trolls who have any idea what's happening. He really doesn't know the story, he was just sick yesterday when the place was put on lockdown, and because everyone else was either in class or at lunch, they didn't bother locking down the villages, so he got lucky.

This troll is Tavros Nitram. He only had a twenty-four hour troll bug which has since faded away. Now he feels perfectly fine, and decides to fly over to Karkat's and Kankri's hive. Gog did he dislike Kankri. Perhaps he was working when they put the place on lockdown?

Tavros arrives in the Village of Blood about ten miles away from the Village of Breath where his and John's hive/house resides. He doesn't remember the entire address that John told him, but he figures that the hive will probably be easy to locate because Kankri will probably be talking Karkat's ears off like always. When he doesn't hear anything he tries to remember the address as best he can. It has something to do with 8100d, or something like that. Now that he thinks about it, 8100d does look a little bit like the word 'blood' when written out.

There it is, the 8100d. As far as Tavros knows, there's only one specific sequence of numbers assigned as an address per village, so this is probably it.

He knocks on the door. No one answers. "uH. kARKAT. aRE YOU HERE?"

There is still no answer. He flies up and looks through the window. He sees a recuperacoon with Kankri sound asleep in it. It almost looks as if he'd been crying. He flies around to the other side of the house and looks in another window. Inside the room is another recuperacoon, this one being unoccupied. He looks around even more but doesn't see anyone, but as he listens closer, he starts to hear something.

He transforms himself into air and passes through a crack in the window seam. Inside he can see that the room is a little larger than the other. And at the desk sits Karkat, who is crying. He has his head lying on the desk, buried in his arms.

"uH,,,kARKAT,,,IS EVERYTHING ALRIGHT?"

"WHAT?" Karkat turns around and looks behind him, wiping his face with his sleeve as he scans the room. "GREAT. NOW I'M HEARING THINGS," he says to himself.

Then Tavros materializes in front of him. "nO. i'M ACTUALLY HERE,"

"I THOUGHT DEAD PEOPLE COULDN'T BE STUDENTS."

"i'M NOT DEAD, i'M A DOOMED TIMELINE VERSION OF YOUR tAVROS. i JUST ESCAPED MY TIMELINE BEFORE IT SELF-DESTRUCTED,"

"OH. EITHER WAY, I DON'T WANT TO TALK. NOT TO YOU, NOT TO ANYONE. SO JUST GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE TO WALLOW IN MY OWN PATHETIC EXISTENCE!"

"wHAT'S WRONG. kARKAT? jOHN RANTED ON ABOUT SOMETHING LAST NIGHT AND i,,,uH,,,jUST WANTED TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENED BETWEEN YOU AND HIM,"

"I DON'T KNOW BUT HE HATES ME NOW AND THAT'S THAT. ARE YOU HAPPY NOW THAT YOU KNOW?"

"wELL. NOT REALLY, i JUST DON'T WANT ANYONE TO BE HURT, tHAT'S ALL,"

"WELL IT ISN'T WORKING."

Just then, Tavros' iGrub beeps. "iT'S jOHN." he says and hands it over to Karkat.

- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering adiosToreador at 12:44 -

EB: tavros, where are you?!

AT: NOWHERE NEAR YOU!

EB: woah, tav, what's wrong with you?! you aren't using your usual typing quirk.

AT: WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME IS THAT YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO LISTEN TO ANYBODY!

AT: INSTEAD YOU HAVE TO RAMBLE ON ABOUT YOURSELF AND YOUR NEEDS AND THIS AND THAT AND EVERY FUCKING THING ELSE! THAT IS WHAT MY PROBLEM IS!

EB: calm down!

AT: NOT UNTIL YOU DO AND LISTEN TO KARKAT.

EB: wait, you're at karkat's?

AT: WHERE ELSE?

EB: is this karkat?

AT: NO! I'M PISSED THAT YOU WOULD MAKE THE ASSUMPTION!

EB: i was asking because you're using his typing quirk.

AT: i DON'T FUCKING CARE ABOUT QUIRKS,

EB: i do.

EB: and if this is actually karkat, want you (him) to know that even though you (he) have (has) "red feelings" for me, i still hate you (him) and never want to talk to you (him) again.

Karkat throws Tavros' iGrub back to him. Tavros then resumes the conversation.

AT: wHAT DID HE EVER DO TO YOU?

EB: he knows what he did and that's all that you need to know.

AT: jOHN. YOU'RE ACTING LIKE A SPOILED LITTLE GRUB,

EB: and i have a perfectly good reason to.

AT: nO YOU DON'T, yES i KNOW THAT kARKAT CAN BE VERY CRABBY AT TIMES. BUT HE DOES KNOW WHEN ENOUGH IS ENOUGH,

EB: well he sure didn't show that knowledge yesterday.

AT: wELL THEN APPARENTLY YOU DON'T KNOW HIM AS WELL AS YOU THINK YOU DO,

AT: jUST TELL ME WHAT'S WRONG AND i'LL TALK TO HIM ABOUT IT PERSONALLY, i AM RIGHT NEXT TO HIM AFTERALL,

EB: no, tavros. you dont' need to know what is going on. he knows why i hate him and he deserves whatever comes to him.

AT: wHATEVER, iF YOU DON'T WANT TO TALK TO HIM. THEN i DON'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU,

- adiosToreador ceased blocked ectoBiologist [EB] -

Nothing else really happens for the rest of that day, except for everyone searching for Dave.

**The next Day…**

The chancellor leaves early in the morning to go out to the furthest ring to search for Dave.

_BUCKETS._

_BUCKETS. BUCKETS. BUCKETS._

_THAT'S ALL I CAN EVER THINK ABOUT ANYMORE: BUCKETS._

_THAT'S WHAT STARTED THIS WHOLE MESS. BUCKETS._

_BUCKETS._

_MY LIFE HAS BEEN RUINED BY BUCKETS. _

_AFTER ALL THIS TIME,_

_AFTER SO MANY HORRIBLE ENCOUNTERS WITH THEM,_

_THEY'VE FINALLY DONE IT._

_BUCKETS._

Karkat determines that his life is officially ruined. He begins to move into a state of depression, but like he told Scratch, "I AM NOT SUICIDAL!" which means that he'll have to live with this pain forever. Or until he's killed, which he almost hopes is soon.

_THERE WERE TWO OF THEM._

_THEY WERE JUST THERE, SITTING ON A FUCKING COUCH._

_I HAD MY CHANCE AND BLEW IT._

_AND NOW I'M PAYING THE PRICE._

_HE NEVER WANTS TO SEE ME OR TALK TO ME EVER AGAIN._

_I'M ALONE._

_COMPLETELY ALONE._

_MY ATTITUDE HAS FINALLY DRIVEN AWAY EVERYONE I EVER LOVED._

_WOO FUCKING HOO._

The sopor slime in his recuperacoon has reacted with the salt and water in his tears and became useless. The entire thing has become one big bucket of brown liquid that resembles curdled diarrhea, and the smell is reminiscent of sulfur, skunk, and, of course, diarrhea all mixed together. He takes a shower and goes out for a miserable walk.

Karkat keeps his head low. Even though he knows he's the only one out, he still doesn't want to be seen—not even by the air.

The atmosphere reflects his current emotions: clouds cover the sky, lightning lights up streams in them, and it starts to rain. The wind begins to blow, feeling like gale force. To make it all worse, the rain has a red tint to it, just like his tears. Whether or not the rain color is just an optical illusion, considering the fact that we're viewing all this from his eyes, is anybody's guess.

Gog he hates being a troll right now.

"Karkat!"

Great. Just the thing he wanted right now: social interaction.

"Karkat! I need to talk to you!"

"WHAT?"

Aranea ran up to him. "Have you seen your dancestor?"

"MY WHAT?"

"Kankri."

"OH. I THINK HE LOCKED HIMSELF IN HIS RESPITEBLOCK."

"Why?"

"WHY THE FUCK SHOULD I KNOW?!"

"8ecause you're his hivemate."

"Karkat, is there something wrong?" She looks at him with a sincere motherly look, close to the one that Kanaya used to give him when she suspected something was wrong.

"NO."

"Karkat, please tell me the truth. I won't judge."

"NO. IT'S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. NOW LEAVE ME ALONE."

"Karkat, if there is something wrong, I'm here for you. I'm here for any student who needs help or assistance with something. I love to help."

"NO."

"Please."

"NO."

"Please, Karkat." Now she gives him the woofbeast eyes. **Seriously, why am I saying woofbeast? I guess it's canon now. There was no avoiding it.**

"FINE! YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT'S WRONG?! EVERYONE HATES ME! THAT'S WHAT'S WRONG!"

"No one hates you, Karkat."

"FUCKING TELL THAT TO JOHN!"

"Why, what happened with John?"

"HE HATES ME BECAUSE I WAS HAPPY WITH DAVE'S SUICIDE." Tears begin to stream down his face.

"I'm sure he doesn't mean it. It's impossible for him to hate anyone."

"THAT'S WHAT EVERYONE THOUGHT, EVEN HIM. BUT APPARENTLY HE CAN. AND THAT PERSON JUST SO HAPPENS TO BE ME."

"Okay. 8ut this is John you're talking a8out. I just find it hard to 8elieve. If you want, I can go talk to him, may8e have Meenah 'fork' some sense into him?"

"NO, YOU DON'T HAVE TO…I WOULD PREFER YOU WOULDN'T."

"8ut that isn't my preference. Karkat, whether you like it or not, I'm going to straighten things out with you and John. I just don't like seeing you like this, and if John does—"

"HE DOESN'T EVEN WANT TO SEE ME."

"As I was saying, if John likes for you to 8e like this, then his think pan is messed up."

"I JUST DON'T CARE AT THIS POINT."

"Whatever. Now, you said that Kankri is in his respiteblock?"

"YES. GOOD LUCK GETTING HIM OUT."

Aranea leaves. Karkat almost cracks a smile…almost.

The rest of the day goes by uneventfully, except for people begging to be let out of their rooms in the class and office buildings.

**The next day…**

Karkat wakes up early. His back hurts from sleeping on the hardwood floor because he doesn't want to go anywhere near the sopor slime, if it could even be called that anymore, in his recuperacoon. He leaves his room and knocks on Kankri's door. Aranea's attempts at getting him out of his respiteblock were unfruitful. "KANKRI, IT'S TIME TO COME OUT. YOU'VE BEEN IN THERE LONG ENOUGH."

"N9. N9t f9r y9u, n9t f9r any9ne. ».

«FINE, BE IN THERE FOR THE REST OF YOUR AFTERLIFE. I WAS ONLY TRYING TO BE NICE."

He leaves. As soon as he exits the door, his iGrub beeps.

-tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering carcinoGenesis [CG] at 9:20 -

TT: We are all to report to the main courtyard in the front of the school complex in ten minutes. The chancellor is about to arrive with Dave.

CG: IS JOHN GOING TO BE THERE?

TT: I don't think so.

CG: AM I REQUIRED?

TT: Well, they would like you to be there, just in case Dave needs to have some sense literally knocked into him.

CG: FINE, BUT JOHN BETTER NOT FUCKING BE THERE!

- tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering carcinoGenesis [CG] -

Karkat grabs a scooter in front of another hive. He sets it on full speed and reaches the main courtyard just as the Horrorterror is landing. First, Dave's body is carried off the Horrorterror, which pains Karkat to see because that is why John hates him, then the chancellor, holding Dave by his arms, drags his ghost off. The Horrorterror flies away and we now realize that going any farther into the story would be overlapping the bulk of the last chapter chapter, which happened right here in the courtyard.

* * *

**Author: Perhaps I should temporarily change the summary to a little Sadstuck?**

**Karkat: YOU THINK?**

**Author: Now isn't the best time for you, KK.**

**Karkat: WHATEVER. CHAPTER EIGHT IS FINALLY COMING UP NEXT.**

**Author: Maybe.**

**Karkat: WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT?!**


	10. Chapter 8

**Author: So here's another short chapter for you. Enjoy.**

* * *

Broken Heads and Business Calls

DJ sits in his office. This has been a stressful week. Now, to top it all off, another student is slipping into depression for god knows what reason.

He woke up in the ER two hours ago. After getting a quick MRI and X-ray done, it was determined that he just passed out from stress, though he knows it was more than that, and was released. Professor English supposedly ordered Dave's body to be put in a tank to soak and absorb water to get it to expand enough to fit the soul in. He supposedly also quarantined Dave himself in his house, with the head of the psychology department, fortunately one of Dave's friends, visiting him every few hours.

His head hurts where it hit the concrete in the courtyard. He keeps the blinds shut, hoping the darkness will put him to sleep and get rid of his headache. He was prescribed a painkiller for his head, but it doesn't seem to be working. Why can't they have human doctors? Humans always have the best happy medicine.

The phone rings. The sudden noise makes him cringe in pain. If this pain keeps up for much longer it'll kill him.

He picks up the phone. "No," he quickly...scratch that...weakly says.

"Sir," Aranea replies, "this is important."

"Can it wait until my head gets finished killing me?"

"I don't know. Do you think the reply to that security call you made earlier wait?"

He'd completely forgotten about that. He contacted a character in which we have yet to meet—and technically already have—to ask if he could help out with security. He has good reason to believe that the Page of Destruction is somewhere around the university. But that was earlier, just after he woke up, and when his head was nowhere near as worse as it is now. Mainly because of industrial strength pain killers that were pumped into him when he was still unconscious.

"Are you still there?"

He snaps back into reality. "Uh…yeah, I'm still here, as much as I hate to admit it, but yes."

"Do you want me to take a message?"

"No, put him on."

"Okay."

Aranea changes the line. "Hello," DJ puts on his best normal voice, hoping the caller won't realize the pain he's in.

"I'M RETURNING A SECURITY CALL."

"Yes, thank you for that. As I had said earlier in the message, I believe the Page may be somewhere near the university, and I hear rumors of your existence—"

"AND YOU DIDN'T THINK THEY WERE TRUE, DID YOU?"

"Well, I thought the idea was a little far-fetched, but when I dialed the number and got a loving-sounding voice, I knew immediately that it was all true."

"I DON'T BLAME YOU. EVERYONE IS ALWAYS TERRIFIED UNTIL I ACTUALLY TALK."

"Okay, now, to business. I called you not for the protection of my students, but for the protection of only a few. "

"AND YOU SUSPECT THAT THE PAGE IS THERE TRYING TO COMPROMISE EVERYTHING."

"Yes…well…sort of, if that makes any sense."

"NOT REALLY. PLEASE, DO EXPLAIN WHAT YOU MEAN BY THAT."

"These few students, I believe, have been called upon to ascend to the Master Titles."

"OKAY. HAVE THEY RISEN?"

"Not yet. One of them committed suicide a few days ago and we're trying to resurrect him. Then, after all of them are relatively mentally stable, I'll send them in to do what they're supposed to do."

"AND HOW EXACTLY DO YOU EXPECT THIS TO HELP THEM TO DEFEAT ENGLISH?"

"English, both the Page and Lord, have ascended to the Master Titles. They are only two. With this group, there will be many more in the Master Titles against them. Their power could be reduced to almost nothing compared to us, if, and when we ascend."

"WHY DO YOU THINK I CAN STOP HIM?"

"Because you've met him."

'I'VE DONE MORE THAN JUST MET HIM."

"That's why I believe you're the man for the job. That's why I called you. That, and the God Ball is coming up, so security is going to be a little further down than usual."

There is silence on the other end for a moment while this man thinks. After a long, awkward silence he speaks up, "OKAY. I WILL DO IT."

"Great. When can I expect your arrival?"

"GIVEN THE CURRENT CIRCUMSTANCES IN WHICH I AM FACING, ANYWHERE BETWEEN NOW AND NEXT MONTH, HOPEFULLY BEFORE THE GOD BALL."

"Awesome." DJ checks his watch, "Hopefully more before then as well. The deadline is fast approaching us."

"I KEEP HEARING THINGS ABOUT THIS STUPID DEADLINE ALL OVER THE FURTHEST RING. WHAT IS IT ALL ABOUT?"

"The deadline…The deadline is when all of existence comes to an end."

* * *

**Author: Okay, that is a rather ominous ending. I just thought that would be a good place to stop though, just as a little cliffhanger. You're welcome.**

**And just so you know, the Master Titles are different than the Master classes of Muse and Lord (It will all be explained later).**


	11. End of Part One

Epilogue

**Author: So this concludes Part one of the story. As of right now, there are five planned parts. I didn't get the idea for separate parts until a couple chapters ago.**

**Sorry if this is beginning to be set up too much like the actual comic.**

**Splitting it up into parts, seems, to me, to make it easier to understand the sequence of events happening in the story, instead of, say one event happening then the very next chapter takes place several months later. it just doesn't make sense. Splitting it up into different parts kind of makes it an implied "'insert random amount of time here' later". In this case, only a couple of weeks have passed between parts, with no important enough events taking place to be taken into consideration.**

**Part One was simply called "An Introduction."**

**Part Two is called "Let the Fun Begin," and [hopefully] isn't going to unexpectedly turn into a Sadstuck like theme like "An Introduction" did.**

**So now, a preview into Part 2: Let the Fun Begin.**

* * *

Never in his life has Karkat ever been so embarrassed, and never will he know this kind of embarrassment again…

Perhaps in order to get a grasp as to what is happening, we must first travel back…or forward…or whatever direction…damn nonlinear time…we have to travel in time until we reach the trolls' and humans' meteor in the furthest ring making its way to the post scratch human session of the game.

Sometime after their first dickfight, Karkat and Dave made up…actually they more made out than made up (bow chica wow wow). Of course, to keep their images up, they played the hate game around everyone else. Dave supposedly "wasn't" homosexual, and Karkat…well…everyone just assumed he still "pitied" John, though the feelings began to become more than just pity. They eventually started finding things to entertain themselves with. Dave found a "little(literally) friend" who he "played with" often, and Karkat resorted to…uh…"poetry".

Some of Karkat's "poetry" was catchy, some was more self-absorbed than anything else. He just knew it could never fall into the wrong hands. But alas, the time would come when Terezi would find a couple mistakes Karkat had made without realizing. He had memorized all the words (lyrics) to a couple of his "poems" and decided to put them to music and sing them in front of a camera. He filmed himself and put all the clips into two montages. He even interrupted Dave during "play time" with his "little friend" to have him stand in front of the camera and pose. The end result was two finely put together music videos. These also happened to be his two most personal "poems". His mistake: he put the two DVDs where he thought Terezi couldn't smell, but he was wrong. She went into his room one day to smell what he was always doing when he was alone. She already had a pretty good idea at what Dave did just by walking past the door, even when it was completely shut.

Karkat had hidden the two DVDs in a safe Dave had given him. Terezi, being nosy as she is, easily opened the safe by smelling the locks and determining the combination. She reached in, pulled out the discs, smelled the patterns burned into them, and giggled. She then proceeded to close and lock the door, and put the discs into the DVD Rom in the crabtop and smell-watched the videos burned into them. She almost suffocated from laughing too hard. She made copies of the two discs and kept the original so Karkat would never notice.

And he never did…until now.


	12. Part 2 Chapter 1

Prologue

**C'est Moi (Author):**

**A couple of weeks after the "Dave Incident," as it came to be called, Tier University finds itself once again in the partying season. The largest celebration of the school year is coming up in a couple weeks. Among the students, [musical note] one of these things just doesn't belong here [musical note].**

**Also among the chapters in this part, a few new characters will be introduced, including a surprise character, by which I mean extremely OOC.**

**So, with all that being said...**

**BEGIN PART 2: LET THE FUN BEGIN**

* * *

Chapter 1: The Announcement

After a full week and a half DJ's headache finally disappeared. At least he didn't have to hear his voice amplified a thousand times with it.

Finally the semi-big day comes.

All of the students that can fit gather in the auditorium. The auditorium is so large that it had to be its own separate building all together. But still, even being as large as it is, it still isn't large enough to hold even one fourth of the entire student population.

The aisles are filled, the seats are filled. Some students suspend themselves in the air to make room and keep room. In other words, it is packed. Everyone wants to be a part of the excitement, and they're determined.

When it comes time for the Announcement to begin, everyone quiets down. Aranea goes to the center of the stage, which is surrounded on all sides by eager students.

"Okay," she begins in the mic, "first, I, and everyone else who is a part of this would like to thank all of you for attending here today, and would like to thank everyone else who couldn't for watching this on the screens which we placed all throughout the campus and in the classrooms for paying attention. 8elieve it or not, I am not the main person here. I, unfortunately, am just the introductory person in all of this, which is sad for me 8ecause I like to tell stories."

"yea tell us somefin we dont already know" Meenah says in the background. She is wearing a small microphone, so everyone is able to hear her and begins to laugh.

Aranea facepalms. "Meenah, did you seriously have to do that?"

"yea"

"Whatever. Anyway, please give a warm welcome to your chancellor, Mr. DJ Lampar!" Everyone claps and cheers as DJ makes his way onto the stage, where Aranea hands him the microphone.

"Thank you Ms. Serket." He clears his throat. "As most of you already know, the largest celebration of the year is beginning to take form here in the spirit of the university: in you, in me, in everyone—even the Horrorterrors underneath the campus. Now, the new students, unless enlightened by others, aren't going to have any idea what the hell I'm even talking about or what all this is about. So every year I give the same exact story, and it never gets old.

"When the post-scratch incarnations of my friends founded Tier University, they held a two week long celebration of the first ever successful session of the Game on the anniversary of their victory, two weeks because that was how long they played before the victory. This celebration came to be known as the God Ball, mainly because of all the God Tiers participating. It first started off as a formal dance. I should know, after all, I was part of the first graduating class. And even then, I had never known that trillions of years later I would become the chancellor and host it for over three million years.

"My first year hosting the God Ball, I was surprised at how little it had changed. It was still a two week long formal dance. Keep in mind that was over three million years ago, several trillions of years after it had first begun. The only difference was that another dance had been added. Now it consisted of two one-week-long dances: the first one being an informal dance, the second one being the actual Ball itself. I set out to change that.

"Now, with the help of the faculty, staff, people from all over paradox-space, and this year, some of the students themselves, I, or better yet, we, have turned those two dances into two dances plus nonstop partying in between. For several centuries the God Ball has been televised all across the furthest ring. And every year it gets better. Now, I'm going to hand the mic over to Professor English, who has been coordinating the events in the God Ball for thirty years now." He hands the microphone over to Professor English, who thanks him and introduces himself.

"Once again thank you all for attending this and to those who are watching elsewhere on campus. For those of you who dont know me i am professor english. This is my thirty-first year coordinating the events and i must say i am excited. The god ball has always been my favorite time of the year.

"This year weve stooped up yet another level in its evolution." The professor slightly loses his balance. "…I feel like im about to back right off the stage…" he says to himself, just barely making it enough into the mic for people to hear. "Anyways this year things are going to be different. In the rare never-before-happened…ever instance of a weeklong lockdown weve decided to return that week to you in an extra seven days and nights of nonstop partying!"

"But you already gave that week back to us when you canceled school for the next week after that," some random student in which we have yet to meet and never will shouted from halfway up the massive bowl of the auditorium. Though he was so far away, he could be clearly heard by everyone in it.

"Young man are you suggesting that we dont need to give everyone an extra week of partying in return for the lockdown," Professor English asks with a mock-questioning tone. Though it is obvious that he's joking, it still gets everyone worked up. They really want to party. "Well i guess youre right. We dont need to give you an extra week off." He then begins addressing everybody, "You can all thank your friend over there for taking an extra week off your god ball. He says 'youre all welcome.'"

"Now in addition to all that we also have some guests coming. A couple of them are permanent which means they will be staying with us and actually taking up jobs here around campus. Or so ive been told. They will also help out with planning and organizing. The rest will go off to battle uh you know that one guy who we all refuse to name just like that other guy in what is it called: _harry potter?_"

"Yes," says Rose, who sits in the front row in front of the stage.

"Yes. He whom shall not be named, "Professor English says.

"Actually, it's 'He _who_ shall not be named.' The word 'whom' comes after a preposition, but that's it."

"Well you know what? I teach language not grammar." Everyone laughs at the professor's statement.

"Well, I don't see how that could possibly work," DJ says in a mic.

"I let the students figure that part out on their own."

"Of course you do."

"Okay. For a few weeks now ive been asked 'professor english what will all be happening this year during the ball?' Well now i can officially provide an answer. Midnight through six am on the first day will be the minor ball. This is the informal dance. It is really informal. All we ask is that you don't show up nude. A single pair of tighty whities is the bare minimum requirement."

People start to laugh at the little unintentional pun. Professor English facepalms.

"Oh you people make me sick thinking like that," he says. "After that begins nonstop partying with no curfews." People begin to cheer. "On the second day…wow im beginning to sound like the bible 'On the first day blah blah blah…wow…i really need to get away from human literature…Anyway on the second day we will start the psychology shows which sound boring but are actually entertaining and helpful.

"I know it sounds extremely boring but believe me it actually is pretty good. It goes like this my bro here…obviously since the resemblance is uncanny…" he says standing next to an alien student, "is the head of the psychology department. He gets up on stage with a patient of his and 'fixes' them. What i mean by that is he helps them get over whats troubling them. The exciting part is that he digs into their minds to do that being he is a hero of dream. What he sees is projected directly onto these gigantic screens you see all around campus.

"The shows go on every day until the last day.

"After the first show we have two other major events that day. A couple days later three more. A couple days after that three more. You all see a pattern here? It keeps up until the last day when the actual god ball itself is held. It runs from midnight starting the last day to midnight starting the day after. It is the formal ball. Only the most formal attire is allowed during this time. It is what the god ball is named after. It is what everyone can never seem to wait for.

"Now this year the god ball is going to be so big that we had to create a student committee to help out with preparations and planning. Here to talk about that and give you information on how you can join is the head of the student ball committee jonathan egbert."

Professor English hands the microphone to John, who steps up and thanks him. "okay, good morning, everyo—aahhh. " Everyone watches as John walks right off the stage, not even paying attention to where he steps. Karkat, who doesn't want to go anywhere near John for fear of rejection, watches from the television in his current class and facepalms. "JOHN, YOU ARE AN IDIOT."

But of course, John can't hear him because they are in completely separate buildings two miles apart from each other.

John gets back up on stage, microphone in hand. "i swear, it seems like every time i touch a microphone something bad happens—to me in particular." He gives everyone that wide bucktoothed grin that he's known for and lets out a nervous laugh. "what, no one's amused?"

"Actually, John, the sound of you hitting the floor drowned out their laughter," Dirk, who is sitting next to Rose, says. But he was right. John dropped twenty feet to the floor below and landed with a loud thud which roared and echoed around the bowl of the auditorium. Everyone laughed hysterically but it wasn't heard for the echoing thud, which was pretty loud because it was amplified through the microphone.

"i live for the lulz," John says back, unwittingly right into the microphone. The crowd bursts into laughter.

"okay, that was unintended…anyway, i am the head of the student committee. we are dedicated to planning and setting up the god ball, the actual ball itself. this year it's going to be big, really big. bigger than last year's ball. yes, i know that is hard to believe.

"which is why we are calling on the student population, you all, to help set it up. we are not looking for everyone to help out—just a select few thousand. as of right now we have only a few hundred. if you want to join, or find out how you can help in any way, come see me or any one of the faculty members who are involved…every one of them. we are planning on making it so big this year that it won't fit just inside the ballroom, like usual. so please, please, come help out if you can.

"now i hand the mic back over to chancellor lampar."

"Thank you, John. Now, a couple things before I let you all go back to class: First-year people—you better watch out. It has always been tradition that we randomly select one person in their first-year here to embarrass the fuck out of. Please pardon my language, but it's the only way I can really describe it in words. And it never gets old.

"Now, addressing everyone: Please do not run away screaming in terror from a couple of our guests. I realize who they are. If I didn't know who they are, I wouldn't be allowing them anywhere near campus.

"Now, with all that being said, go back to your classes and have a nice rest of the week."

* * *

**C'est Moi: Well, here you all go: the beginning of Part Two. Enjoy and review your thoughts.**


End file.
